Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

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KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Airline Employee Who Fell Asleep In Turbine Carried Outside Plane From LA to NY

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A Delta airlines baggage handler reportedly fell asleep inside the turbine of an airplane that he was loading, headed from Los Angeles’ LAX airport to New York City. He somehow managed to survive the 9-hour, non-stop flight without falling out or suffering any injury.

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“I was so exhausted after the damn holiday dinner my mother-in-law cooked,” said the employee, who asked not to be named. “I had to work the next morning at 2am, and when I got in, I barely remember loading up the first plane. By the time I was loading the second, I was exhausted, and I climbed up into the turbine, just to take a minute snooze. It was the only place I could think of that I wouldn’t be seen.”

The employee says that he climbed in there so he would not be caught sleeping on the job and fired, but the next thing he knew, he was in New York City, and was freezing cold.

“In LA, it was like 80 degrees outside,” said the employee. “When I woke up in New York, it was 10 degrees, and I’m laying in the turbine in shorts and a t-shirt. I was freezing. I hurried off as quickly as I could to get warm. I also saw that a picture of me inside the turbine from 40,000 feet was making its way around Instagram and Twitter.”

A representative for Delta said that the employee would not be fired, but would receive a 2-week suspension and re-training. They say they are just glad no one was injured.

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

Man Sets World Record By Staying Awake For 19 Straight Days

FLINT, Michigan – 

A Flint resident, Mitchell Royale, 28, has set a new, unsanctioned world record for most time spent awake, at a total of 19 days, 3 hours, 26 minutes, and 14 seconds.

“The record is only unsanctioned because it’s too dangerous for Guinness to keep a record of anymore,” said timekeeper and friend Kenneth Foyer. “Mitchell really went hard on this challenge. He tried once a year ago, but only made it 7 days, not enough for a record.”

The previous record, held by Randy Gardner and set when he was only 17, was just over 11 days. Royale beat that time by over a week.

“He didn’t take any drugs at all, no coffee even, no caffeine. He just sat here binge watching shows on Netflix,” said Foyer. “I can’t believe he went as long as he did. When I was taking my shift sleeping, we had another time keeper, Gail, here with us. She says that Mitchell never even looked tired. He just kept hitting the ‘yes I’m still watching’ option on the remote, and caught up on like 7 different TV series.”

After setting the new record, Mitchell celebrated by instantly dropping dead of heart failure. He would have been 29 in June.

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