New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

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plane

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

Airline Employee Who Fell Asleep In Turbine Carried Outside Plane From LA to NY

airline

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

A Delta airlines baggage handler reportedly fell asleep inside the turbine of an airplane that he was loading, headed from Los Angeles’ LAX airport to New York City. He somehow managed to survive the 9-hour, non-stop flight without falling out or suffering any injury.

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“I was so exhausted after the damn holiday dinner my mother-in-law cooked,” said the employee, who asked not to be named. “I had to work the next morning at 2am, and when I got in, I barely remember loading up the first plane. By the time I was loading the second, I was exhausted, and I climbed up into the turbine, just to take a minute snooze. It was the only place I could think of that I wouldn’t be seen.”

The employee says that he climbed in there so he would not be caught sleeping on the job and fired, but the next thing he knew, he was in New York City, and was freezing cold.

“In LA, it was like 80 degrees outside,” said the employee. “When I woke up in New York, it was 10 degrees, and I’m laying in the turbine in shorts and a t-shirt. I was freezing. I hurried off as quickly as I could to get warm. I also saw that a picture of me inside the turbine from 40,000 feet was making its way around Instagram and Twitter.”

A representative for Delta said that the employee would not be fired, but would receive a 2-week suspension and re-training. They say they are just glad no one was injured.

American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

 

TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Dash Cam

TAIPEI, Taiwan – 

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”

 

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