American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”

Too Fat to Fly? Southwest Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Body Size At Gate

CHICAGO, Illinois –  Too Fat to Fly Southwest Airlines Forcing Customers To Check Body Size at Gate

Tired of the person in the next seat having their extra-large love handles spill over into your economy seat? In an attempt to make things more comfortable for everyone, Southwest Airlines has announced they will be installing a ‘Check-Your-Comfort chair at the gate. Similar to the carry-on size check, the new chair will allow customers to see if they will fit in a single seat before they get onto the plane.

The company says that they hope that the seats will help save time and embarrassment for ‘any fatties who can’t afford first class.’ Frequent flyer Gary Weston, a fitness instructor from Tampa, Florida, says he is unsympathetic to obese people looking to fly economy, and thinks the new seats will be a great addition to the flight experience.

“Look fatty, your foopah or your gunt or whatever you want to call it, that shit doesn’t count as a ‘personal item’ unless you can shove it under the seat in front of you, and we know that’s not happening. It’s not the airline’s responsibility to accommodate everyone. Maybe skip a meal and hit the gym, and this wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Sure, the airline can discreetly pass you a seat-belt extender, but if you’re the size of a damn grizzly bear, you’re should be forced to get a second seat. I don’t want to be squished any more than I have to because you didn’t skip the dessert bar at the Sizzler.”

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Flight attendant Monica North, who works for a competing airline, says she wishes her airline would get on board with what Southwest is doing. “It’s embarrassing for everybody when someone doesn’t fit. Some leave the plane in tears so fast they forget their luggage in the overhead department. The last woman who couldn’t get the armrest down refused to get off the plane until security threatened to arrest her for delaying the flight. That Check-Your-Ass thingy they’re doing would save a lot of time for us, and probably spare people’s feelings.”

“So many airline passengers are in complete denial of their girth. With almost 90% of the country considered obese, you’d think people would realize that they might not fit in a seat that’s only 17″ wide. Quite often they get insulted when they are told at the gate they may not fit, and then act like they weren’t warned. Well, now you have the opportunity to see for yourself before you board,” said Southwest representative Mariah Easton. “If [a customer] does not fit comfortably in the Check-Your-Comfort seat, they will be forced  purchase a seat upgrade or second seat, whichever they prefer.”

The new seat-check option will be made available for all domestic and international flights starting in February.

 

FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights – You Won’t Believe What They’re Putting You Through Now!

LOS ANGELES, California – FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights - You Won't Believe What They're Putting You Through Now!

It appears the process of getting on a plane will become even more frustrating, as the FAA have created new rules that must be followed before boarding a plane.

As of January 1st, all passengers will be required to remove their pants and be physically searched before boarding any flight in the United States. The ruling was passed after several people were still able to board planes with items that FAA lists as ‘illegal.’ It is also being noted that this is a more ‘respectable’ way of searching people without them feeling violated.

“Our security agents at airports across the country have filed numerous complaints of having to put their hands on passengers. Many passengers are tired, cranky, and some have come in from other flights and are smelly and nasty,” said FAA president Joe Goldsmith. “If removing your pants before getting on the flight eliminates the chance of our employees needing to touch you and give you a pat-down, then that’s fine by me. It’s all about the rights of the airline staff.”

“As a man who never really wears underwear, I find this so degrading to our human rights,” said a passenger at LAX who wished to remain anonymous. “That said, it will be very exciting to know I get to take my pants off, and everyone will be able to see me naked. It’s arousing me just imagining it!”

As for now, the rule will only affect adults ages 18 and over, but fears that children may become mules to illegal trafficking or acts of terrorism has already been discussed, and the FAA is working out separate rules for children.

Most of the people who were interviewed at LAX international airport seemed outraged by the FAA’s lack of compassion and dignity of frequent fliers, but all said that they will still fly regardless of the no-pants rule.

“I need to fly constantly to make a living, and while I’d prefer to be as comfortable as possible during my times boarding and flying on a plane, I have to admit, if I had to strip naked and crawl to my plane to get on it, I would,” said Delta passenger Richard Cummings. “Whatever I have to do to make it to the next city, I’ll deal with. It’s the difference between eating my next meal in a restaurant, or out of a garbage pail.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

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