ATLANTA, Georgia –
United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.
“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”
United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.
“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”
Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.
“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”
It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.
“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”