American Airlines, Delta To No Longer Allow Young Children To Fly

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

If you have a family with young children, you may soon find yourself having to drive to your favorite vacation destinations. American Airlines, Delta, United, and several other airlines announced yesterday that they would no longer be allowing children under the age of 6 on any flights, domestic or international.

“Airlines have always, without fail, been about making money, and ignoring comfort,” said United Airlines representative Michael Thomas. “Children paid less for tickets than adults, and they take up seats that could go for other travellers. Not to mention that no one wants to fly with cranky, pain-in-the-ass children. If they know that there won’t be any on a flight, then they’ll be willing to pay more for their seats.”

It’s a rarity in business these days for any company to be so candid about their motives, especially when those motives are driven by nothing but profit, but Thomas says that airlines have never hidden behind any walls when it comes to profits.

“Years ago, you could smoke on airplanes. Not anymore, and that’s nothing to do with FAA regulations, that’s simply to do with being able to charge more now because non-smokers will pay more knowing they don’t have to deal with it,” said Thomas. “Not to mention the problems with legroom and spacing. We could easily remove just one row of seats on any aircraft, and space the seats out, giving everyone several inches more in legroom. Screw that, though. Airlines have monopoly on travel, because what else is there? You’re not taking a train or something. Who the hell takes a train anymore? You’re stuck with us.”

CUPERTINO, California –

Apple fans around the world were left irate on Wednesday, after an extended global outage hit the iTunes and app stores. The stores were down for twelve hours, during which supporters of the massive tech corporation were unable to conveniently give Apple their money.

“I spend thousands of dollars on that store every month,” said angry Macbook user, John Jonson. “It’s only right that they let me continue my unhealthy financial habit of pouring money into a multi-billion dollar company no matter what circumstances.”

Harriet Herring agreed, echoing Jonson’s sentiments.

“A full half a day was wasted, in which I had no way of buying music and television series I could easily torrent for free,” she ranted. “It’s ten miles to the nearest Apple reseller; how am I meant to get there to find other ways of paying exorbitant prices for great looking products?”

Defenders of the brand dismissed the complaints, saying that Apple loves receiving customers’ money, and would not dream of letting them down if it could be avoided. Furthermore, bringing in money is one of their most important services, even part of their mysterious constitution.

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized for the outage, but reminded fans that the corporate giants have just released many other products to spend their money on.

“Apple Watch has just come out,” he said at an emergency press conference. “There’s so many great options, including the Apple Watch Edition, available for a whopping $10 000. That’s way way more expensive than anything you can get on the iTunes store. At least 3 times as expensive.”

But critics say that the “mishap” was just another way in which Apple continually, purposefully, let their customer base down.

“People want to give them money, and what do they do? They take away the possibility,” said and irritated Roger Walters. “They’re exerting their control, showing who’s boss. Basically saying you’ll only give us money when we decide to let you. A company with such influence over modern day society should provide better. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”