Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes


LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

Apple Watch ‘Huge Piece of Shit’ Says Every Android User

Apple Watch 'Huge Piece of Shit' Says Every Android User

CUPERTINO, California –

Now that the Apple Watch has officially hit the market, Apple buffs around the world have been clamoring to get their hands on the ridiculously priced item, with many officially hailing it as the greatest piece of wearable technology ever created. But despite its praise, not everyone is excited by it.

“The Apple Watch is a huge piece of shit,” said Android user Rob Gacy. “I can’t imagine why anyone would care to get alerts, texts, and whatever on their wrist. Are Apple users so lazy that they can’t just reach into their pocket and pull out their tiny phone when they get a call? It’s ridiculous.”

“Seriously, I just got to play with an Apple Watch, and it’s a massive piece of shit,” said another Android user, Kyle Gates. “I cannot even for one second imagine wearing this hipster trash. Actually, I guess even hipsters can’t wear it, because if you’ve got tattoos on your arms by your wrist, the damn watch doesn’t work properly anyway. Can you imagine that? Like I said…piece of shit.”

Most Apple users say that they are extremely happy with the device, mostly because they’d feel stupid if they paid the kind of money they did for the watch, only to find out it was abysmal.

“I paid almost a thousand bucks for my watch,” said Apple user Mario Booner. “To be fair, it’s only okay. I can’t even figure out how to get it to tell time, which, you know, makes it kind of non-functional for that. But since it cost so much, I really can’t complain. I’d feel like a damn fool if I did.”

Google, who created the Android operating system and who leads the pack in the world of mobile operating systems, had no comment on the worthlessness of the Apple watch.

iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

iTunes Outages Makes Users Irate After Being Unable To Give Apple Money For Hours

CUPERTINO, California – 

Apple fans around the world were left irate on Wednesday, after an extended global outage hit the iTunes and app stores. The stores were down for twelve hours, during which supporters of the massive tech corporation were unable to conveniently give Apple their money.

“I spend thousands of dollars on that store every month,” said angry Macbook user, John Jonson. “It’s only right that they let me continue my unhealthy financial habit of pouring money into a multi-billion dollar company no matter what circumstances.”

Harriet Herring agreed, echoing Jonson’s sentiments.

“A full half a day was wasted, in which I had no way of buying music and television series I could easily torrent for free,” she ranted. “It’s ten miles to the nearest Apple reseller; how am I meant to get there to find other ways of paying exorbitant prices for great looking products?”

Defenders of the brand dismissed the complaints, saying that Apple loves receiving customers’ money, and would not dream of letting them down if it could be avoided. Furthermore, bringing in money is one of their most important services, even part of their mysterious constitution.

Apple CEO Tim Cook apologized for the outage, but reminded fans that the corporate giants have just released many other products to spend their money on.

“Apple Watch has just come out,” he said at an emergency press conference. “There’s so many great options, including the Apple Watch Edition, available for a whopping $10 000. That’s way way more expensive than anything you can get on the iTunes store. At least 3 times as expensive.”

But critics say that the “mishap” was just another way in which Apple continually, purposefully, let their customer base down.

“People want to give them money, and what do they do? They take away the possibility,” said and irritated Roger Walters. “They’re exerting their control, showing who’s boss. Basically saying you’ll only give us money when we decide to let you. A company with such influence over modern day society should provide better. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair.”

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