Faceswap App Gets Man Arrested For Murder

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MURPHY, Delaware – 

James Gordon, 36, was arrested last night after he posted a face-swapped picture to his social media pages, say police. Gordon, who swapped faces with a picture of a man on a bus stop ad, said he thought the picture was “hilarious,” but someone who reported the picture definitely didn’t think so.

“There was a case of mistaken identity like I’ve never seen before,” said police chief Joel Silver. “The merging of the two faces that Mr. Gordon posted made him look exactly like a man we’ve been searching for. It was uncanny.”

Gordon says that police burst into his home at 12 Meadowlark Trail, guns drawn.

“I was terrified; I had no idea what was going on,” said Gordon, a construction worker. “Then when they told me I was being arrested for murder, I nearly had a heart attack.”

Lawyers for Gordon fought for his release, after they made police actually take a good look at him.

“They said, ‘look at this guy – does he look like the guy you’re after?'” said Gordon. “Police had to admit that I didn’t, but I did in that face swap picture, and that’s what they arrested me based on. It was truly bizarre.”

Police are now searching for the model who was used in the bus stop ad for questioning in their murder investigation.

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

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“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

Apple Watch ‘Huge Piece of Shit’ Says Every Android User

Apple Watch 'Huge Piece of Shit' Says Every Android User

CUPERTINO, California –

Now that the Apple Watch has officially hit the market, Apple buffs around the world have been clamoring to get their hands on the ridiculously priced item, with many officially hailing it as the greatest piece of wearable technology ever created. But despite its praise, not everyone is excited by it.

“The Apple Watch is a huge piece of shit,” said Android user Rob Gacy. “I can’t imagine why anyone would care to get alerts, texts, and whatever on their wrist. Are Apple users so lazy that they can’t just reach into their pocket and pull out their tiny phone when they get a call? It’s ridiculous.”

“Seriously, I just got to play with an Apple Watch, and it’s a massive piece of shit,” said another Android user, Kyle Gates. “I cannot even for one second imagine wearing this hipster trash. Actually, I guess even hipsters can’t wear it, because if you’ve got tattoos on your arms by your wrist, the damn watch doesn’t work properly anyway. Can you imagine that? Like I said…piece of shit.”

Most Apple users say that they are extremely happy with the device, mostly because they’d feel stupid if they paid the kind of money they did for the watch, only to find out it was abysmal.

“I paid almost a thousand bucks for my watch,” said Apple user Mario Booner. “To be fair, it’s only okay. I can’t even figure out how to get it to tell time, which, you know, makes it kind of non-functional for that. But since it cost so much, I really can’t complain. I’d feel like a damn fool if I did.”

Google, who created the Android operating system and who leads the pack in the world of mobile operating systems, had no comment on the worthlessness of the Apple watch.

Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

BURBANK, California – Jeopardy! Producers Claim Ken Jennings Cheated During His Epic Show Run

Ken Jennings, the longest-running Jeopardy! champion in the history of the game show, who won 74 straight Jeopardy games in a row, has been accused of cheating by producers of the popular series. After pouring over hours of taped footage, producers have made a spectacular discovery, and they say they are asking for the astounding $3,196,300 Jennings won during his run  back.

“After receiving an anonymous tip from someone who only identified themselves as Hal, we decided to do an investigation,” said Brad Butters, executive producer of Jeopardy! “After going over hours of game footage, along with backstage footage of Ken in our green room, certain patterns became clear to us. Mr. Jennings, who spent over 125 hours in our sound studio never once used the bathroom, and in our green room – where contestants spend most of their time – Jennings never once ate or drank anything from our free buffet. This seemed extremely odd to us.”

“Game footage revealed that, despite being under bright studio lights, Ken never once blinked or had a drop of sweat anywhere on his brow,” said Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek. “As the producers researched his footage, they also noticed that in game 53 of Ken’s winning streak, competing contestant Brenda Bush was having a sort of ‘wardrobe malfunction’ that caused many nip-slips, and he never even once glanced over to her. I say that it definitely proves that Ken Jennings is not a man at all, and that he must be an android being.”

“By the rules of the game, Ken cheated. Line 43 of the Jeopardy application clearly states that all contestants must be human, and that any sort of cyborg or android beings are strictly prohibited,” said Butters. “We have made numerous calls to Ken to get back our $3 million dollars, but all we get when we call him is that annoying fax machine-type sound you used to get prior to everyone having a cell phone.”

“Being accused of cheating does not compute,” said Jennings in a statement to the Associated Press when news of the possible scandal reached his home. “I was not programmed to cheat, therefore I cannot. It’s not a possibility. Thus ends my comments on the accusations, as it is time for me to recharge.”

 

Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers ‘Too Attractive’

LOS ANGELES, California – Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers 'Too Attractive'

Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.

“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”

Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”

Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”

“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”

 

Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

SILICON VALLEY, California –  Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

A top Apple programmer sent ripples through the mobile community with the revelation that he has been copying code from a three-year-old version of the Android operating system. Manish Karmic, a twenty eight-year-old developer who has worked for Apple for the past six years, was overheard bragging about his coding ‘ace in the hole’ at a company function by a guest and a member of the media.

Cheryl Smart, a tech blogger for Wired Magazine, was able to capture part of the conversation on her iPhone 5s.

“Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit,” She wrote in her personal blog. “I mean, I just paid eight hundred dollars for this phone because it is trendy, and it ‘just works’, and here is one of the guys who designed it laughing about how he copied obsolete technology from another operating system and passed it off as innovation. Now they are adding more recycled features, like Near Field Communications, and offering different screen sizes, two more things Android has been doing for years.”

Smart claims that she heard Karmic admit to literally copying and pasting thousands of lines of code from a Samsung Galaxy SIII, a phone that the Android community has largely forgotten about.

“And then Apple has the audacity to sue over common sense features like ‘pinch to zoom’ and the general shape of a phone,” Her rant continued.

iPhone users everywhere are jumping to the defense of their favorite device, even after hearing the recording that Smart has uploaded to her blog. They didn’t hesitate to let her know all about it in her comments section.

“Big screens used to be like, so stupid, but they make like, total sense to me now,” stated one guest poster. “And I didn’t get the whole pay-with-your-phone thing before, but now it is like, a total necessity for me.”

“They [Google] think that just because they had something first that it makes them better,” wrote another commenter. “Well, my iPhone is way better. I don’t care about the open source community or removable storage. My phone fits better into my skinny jeans.”

Android owners were quick to jump to the defense of their devices and ridicule the Apple supporters, making sure that none of them escaped unscathed.

“You guys are sheep,” read one retort by user CuddlyMuff. “If Apple released a rotary phone with a shorted-out cord, you’d all be raving about how steampunk it was and how the crackling from the cord shorting out actually improved the quality of your calls.”

One thing is certain, as long as Google keeps innovating, the iPhone is here to stay, thanks to the handy work of geeks like Manish Karmic, who have both a cool eye for copying code and a finger on the pulse of their customers.

“I could code something into iOS that should make them [iPhone users] hate the phone, but they won’t,” Manish can be heard saying on the recording. “I could code in something that would drain their bank accounts, and they would just talk about how much better their lives were with no money. They’ll buy anything. So I just put in whatever, and go to the golf course.”

Teen Hospitalized After ‘iPhone vs. Android’ Argument Leads To Physical Altercation

RENO, Nevada –  empire-news-teen-hospitalized-after-andoird-vs-iphone-argument-turns-violent

One teen is hospitalized and listed as being in critical condition, and another faces criminal charges in an assault case police are saying was caused by the “stupidest argument” they’ve ever seen.

Christopher Ramos, 17, was taken to St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center yesterday after an argument with Joseph Goldsmith, 16, over whether the iPhone or the new Samsung Galaxy S5 was the better phone. The argument happened during a house party at Goldsmith’s apartment.

“Chris was saying that his Galaxy was way better than my iPhone.” Said Goldsmith to Reno police. “At first I just laughed off how wrong he was, but he kept at it, talking about the better camera, the better battery life, the better apps, the better everything, and after awhile, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

According to witnesses at the scene, Goldsmith jumped on Ramos and began punching him in the face, neck, and body, and eventually switched to hitting him over the head with his cell phone.

“I think if hadn’t put his phone into one of those heavy-duty LifeProof cases, it would have just shattered after the first or second hit.” Said Aaron Silver, a witness at the party. “Because he was protecting his flimsy phone, he was able to keep hitting him and hitting him. Man, I tell you, that case really did its job. [Ramos] ended up unconscious after a couple minutes. I filmed it all on my phone so I could share it on YouTube, but the cops confiscated it.”

The arguments on the internet have raged for years over which company produced better equipment, Apple with their iPhones and their dedicated Apple iOS, or the multitude of manufacturers that produce phones for Google’s Android operating system. With Samsung becoming the number-one seller of Android devices, their battles with Apple have only heated over the years. This is the first recorded case of the internet nerd-rage battle spilling into an actual assault.

“We have never seen anything so stupid as these bunch of nerds beating each other up over who has the bigger technological d—. Seriously, it’s just stupid.” Said veteran police officer Julian Lowe. “They weren’t drunk or high, there was nothing else going on. It was just a birthday party that got out of hand thanks to technology. That’s what crime has come to these days.”

Goldsmith was arrested and charged with 1st degree assault, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. The original charges also included attempted murder, but lawyers were able to remove that charge. Goldsmith was released on bail and is due in court in August.

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