SAN FRANSISCO, California –
Every day, tech companies and hungry entrepreneurs are launching new smartphone apps that promise more effective ways to manage your daily tasks. The app marketplace is so over-saturated that very few new ones receive media attention.
An exception to this rule is a new app called Guber (pronounced goober), that is currently available for iOS. Guber was created by millionaire entrepreneur Albert E. Fletcher, who is a self-acclaimed ‘social observationalist’ that claims he has had a ‘strong grasp on what the people really need, since 1945.’
Fletcher explains the app as a hybrid between Uber, a popular ride-sharing app, and Grinder, a popular ‘hook-up’ app available on most smartphones.
“This new app is designed to make it possible for homosexuals everywhere to knock out 2 birds with 1 gay stone, so to speak,” said Fletcher. Similar to Uber, Fletchers app will connect gay men that are in need of a ride with other gay men that are using their personal vehicles as a taxi cab. The big difference is that with Guber, the driver will be required to give his passenger a handjob.
According to Fletcher, the business model is a win/win for everyone involved. “Gay males are overly sexual creatures by nature; not only will Guber allow the gays to get from points A to B, it will also allow them to release their sexual energy at a fraction of the price of an upscale bathhouse. It’s also a win for the straight population, as it will certainly curb some of the rampant PDGA, or ‘Public Displays of Gay Affection.'”
“Our app gives gay men the chance to earn extra money on their own time and, of course, do what they do best,” Fletcher assured users. “Er, not that I would know they do it best, it’s just what I’ve heard. Anyway, the safety of the drivers and of the passengers is Guber’s number one priority. We NEVER require anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They can participate in more intimate sex acts for a larger tip if they wish, however they are never required to do anything other than the standard ol’ fashioned we offer with every ride.”
Though Fletcher himself identifies as straight, he claims to have a deep understanding and connection to the gay community. “I even has a gay nephew that I occasionally will see at family functions,” said Fletcher.
The homosexual community as a whole is naturally upset by the app, and is calling Guber and its creator ignorant, offensive, and extremely exploitive. So far, the app is only available for the San Francisco area, and has a total of 3 users. Plans to expand the app to a more nationwide audience are pending.