Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

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MENLO PARK, California – Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public - The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

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A screenshot of the original post shows over 8k shares and 78k ‘likes’

iPhone App ‘Guber’ Combines Ride-Sharing, Hook-Up Services For Gay Men

SAN FRANSISCO, California – iPhone App 'Guber' Upsets Gay Community, Combines Ride-Sharing And Hook-Up Services

Every day, tech companies and hungry entrepreneurs are launching new smartphone apps that promise more effective ways to manage your daily tasks.  The app marketplace is so over-saturated that very few new ones receive media attention.

An exception to this rule is a new app called Guber (pronounced goober), that is currently available for iOS. Guber was created by millionaire entrepreneur Albert E. Fletcher, who is a self-acclaimed ‘social observationalist’ that claims he has had a ‘strong grasp on what the people really need, since 1945.’

Fletcher explains the app as a hybrid between Uber, a popular ride-sharing app, and Grinder, a popular ‘hook-up’ app available on most smartphones.

“This new app is designed to make it possible for homosexuals everywhere to knock out 2 birds with 1 gay stone, so to speak,” said Fletcher. Similar to Uber, Fletchers app will connect gay men that are in need of a ride with other gay men that are using their personal vehicles as a taxi cab. The big difference is that with Guber, the driver will be required to give his passenger a handjob.

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According to Fletcher, the business model is a win/win for everyone involved. “Gay males are overly sexual creatures by nature; not only will Guber allow the gays to get from points A to B,  it will also allow them to release their sexual energy at a fraction of the price of an upscale bathhouse. It’s also a win for the straight population, as it will certainly curb some of the rampant PDGA, or ‘Public Displays of Gay Affection.'”

“Our app gives gay men the chance to earn extra money on their own time and, of course, do what they do best,” Fletcher assured users. “Er, not that I would know they do it best, it’s just what I’ve heard. Anyway, the safety of the drivers and of the passengers is Guber’s number one priority. We NEVER require anyone to do anything they are uncomfortable with. They can participate in more intimate sex acts for a larger tip if they wish, however they are never required to do anything other than the standard ol’ fashioned we offer with every ride.”

Though Fletcher himself identifies as straight, he claims to have a deep understanding and connection to the gay community. “I even has a gay nephew that I occasionally will see at family functions,” said Fletcher.

The homosexual community as a whole is naturally upset by the app, and is calling Guber and its creator ignorant, offensive, and extremely exploitive. So far, the app is only available for the San Francisco area, and has a total of 3 users. Plans to expand the app to a more nationwide audience are pending.

Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers ‘Too Attractive’

LOS ANGELES, California – Tinder Cancels Accounts For People It Considers 'Too Attractive'

Tinder, the popular ‘hot or not’ dating app, has made the controversial decision to block users it considers too attractive due to a substantial overflow of users. According to founder Gary Tinder, it was a tough decision, but the right one that will save the business in the long run.

“We just couldn’t keep up with the overwhelming number of users. There’s millions of lonely people joining every second . . . especially between the hours of 12am and 4am. While I want to include everyone who is horny, sad, or just trying to do it with a stranger who is less than two minutes away, there have to be limits,” said Tinder. “Our technology cannot handle every person in heat, and it would be really rude to deny the people who are probably not good looking enough to be charming in person.”

Some extremely attractive people figured out something was wrong with the popular app before they officially revealed their secret. Alexis Wartz of Silver Lake noticed the trend early, when she was refused a download on her iPhone. “My friends were just like, ‘OMG you should do Tinder, I met this guy who asks me if I’m up at 3am every single weekend!’ So I tried, and it said the download didn’t work. I was at a Starbucks and the WiFi was so working and I kept trying and it never worked, but it worked for all my friends. It feels kinda good now that I know I’m too sexy to be on it. It’s a compliment and I’ll never stop bragging about it to my friends, who now have proof that I’m the prettiest one in the group.”

Liam Rash of New York City recalled his rejection from across the country. “I had the app for a while, but then one day it just disappeared. I tried to re-download it, and it wouldn’t work. I’m sitting there depressed, thinking ‘I’m one minute away from the hottest, most desperate chicks in all of Murray Hill, and I don’t even have to get out of bed…and I can have my hand down my pants if I want to.’ It sucks that I’m too hot for this thing, because I’m so socially awkward that I can only approach women through an iPhone without having a mental breakdown about how much I miss my mom, who lives upstate.”

“If the user demand continues to grow, we’ll probably just make a Tinder for ‘ugly’ to ‘average’ people, and a separate one for ‘above average’ to ‘hot’ people. But for now it’s our number one priority to make the app available to everyone we can as quickly as possible. We are just asking that everyone, from ugly duckling to beauty queen, just give us some time to get the kinks worked out.”

 

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