Bill Murray Condemned By Religious-Right After Publicly Denouncing God

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

Across America, the anti-Bill Murray campaign can be heard in sermons and seen on signs outside of churches. Various Christian groups have said they will not be supporting Murray in the 2016 Presidential Election, which Murray entered last week, and they urge others to follow.

Murray has been clear with reporters on his religious views. “Religion is the worst enemy of mankind. People can believe whatever they choose to believe, but it does not belong in politics. It imprisons your mind. Religion creates hate, racism, bigotry and keeps you from your true potential in life. No single war in the history of humanity has killed as many people as religion has.”

Murray says he expected not to be backed by religious groups. “I imagine I probably won’t be too popular with the Christian vote in this country, but I’m fine with that.”

Still Murray has a small but vocal following who says he does not need the support of the religious right in the election. Paul Horner, a spokesman for the campaign says,“He’s a living legend and is exactly what America needs right now.”

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

 

BOISE, Idaho – 

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

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It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public - The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

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A screenshot of the original post shows over 8k shares and 78k ‘likes’

New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

PITTSBURGH, PA – New Public Poll Shows People Hate Public Polls

The National Public Research Center published the results of a recent poll pertaining to people’s perception of public polls.  The upshot:  84 percent of the public hates public polls.

Chief Pollmistress Ann P. Davis provided details.

“When we poll the population on the popularity of public polls, we purposely employ precisely one pair of pollsters,” she explained. “100 people are phone polled,” explained Davis.  “We ask if they’d like to participate.  If the answer is ‘YES,’ the response is placed in the ‘YES’ pile.  If the answer is ‘NO,’ it’s placed in the ‘NO’ pile.  If you get sworn at, hung up on, or threatened, that’s an automatic ‘NO’ so the results usually are procured in no time flat!”

The findings were published in the polltaker periodical Popular Pollster, the primary publication for polling professionals.

Before you say to yourself ‘I’d rather poke out my eye than do phone polling,’ – listen to how Davis makes the task fun and challenging for her staff.

“We have a little competition every month.  If you get 50 out of 50 “NOs,” then you win round 1.  As a bonus, if your score comes from only hangups with no verbal interaction or threats, then we induct you into our Pollster Palace of Pride and we treat you lunch!”

The perky pollster does, however, miss what she calls the ‘good poll days.’  “That’s a play on words,” she explained.  “By the way, 49 percent of people hate when other people use a play on words around them.”

“Years ago,” she proceeded, “pollsters physically participated with the public – pen, pencil, pad; but with people’s faster pace, pedestrians no longer pause long enough to provide answers.”

According to Davis, person-to-person polling did have a downside, though.

“We used to get punched a lot,” she said.  “Literally, people would take a poke at a polltaker, no matter how polite we purported to be,” said Davis, pointing to a pill-shaped scar above her left eyebrow. “I got this from an elderly gentleman who thought I said ‘poll tax.’ I ate pavement that day, but, it’s all a part of the pollster game.  24 percent of people polled have been victims of public assaults.”

“But I wouldn’t trade it for the world,” she added, glancing around the office.  “Every day’s a party!”

“I DID IT!,” shouted senior poll taker Steve McNamara!  I got a 50!  BOOYAH!  FREE LUNCH! WOO HOO!” he exclaimed.

“Looks like Steve wins again!” said Davis.  “He’s won 57 per cent of our contests!”

An exclusive interview with Ann P. Davis will appear in the October issue of Popular Pollster.

New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

 BOSTON, Massachusetts – New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

 

 

 

 

Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

LYNCHBURG, Virginia – Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

A mother who was breastfeeding her newborn daughter in a Lynchburg Wal-Mart was arrested on Wednesday evening after a store employee called the police for what they said was ‘lewd behavior.’  Mary Lambert, whose daughter, Kathy, is 5 months old, was shopping in her local Wal-Mart store when her baby began ‘fussing,’ and needed to be fed.

“I knew as soon as she started squirming that it was dinnertime,” said Lambert. “I was in a relatively secluded part of the back of the store, near the Lawn & Garden section, and I began to feed Kathy. She only needed a minute or two, then she was done, and I went along my way. I didn’t even know anyone had seen me.”

According to police reports, no one had seen her, at least not from within the aisles. A security guard, Aaron Silver, was monitoring the activities throughout the store from within the location’s security room, saw Lambert feeding and immediately called the police.

“She was basically getting naked in public. I could almost seen her nipple for a second. It’s disgusting,” said Silver. “I called the police because I wanted to have her removed from the store for her behavior.”

By the time police arrived at the store, Lambert had already finished her purchases and left. Tracing credit card receipts, they were able to determine her name, and from there they tracked Lambert to her home in downtown Lynchburg.

“I couldn’t believe when they showed up at my door,” said Lambert. “They handcuffed me and they took my baby into custody for the night, because her Dad was working a swing shift and wasn’t home. All the neighbors saw me getting put into the police car. It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my life.”

Lambert now has a misdemeanor charge on her record for public indecency, the first time in the state’s history that they’ve prosecuted a mother for breastfeeding her baby.

“Normally, we let things like this slide,” said state District Attorney Felisia Lewis. “We have laws that protect mothers from prosecution for situations exactly like this. We all have nipples, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But in some cases, one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, as it were, and this security guard was offended enough that he personally pressed charges against Mrs. Lambert.”

“I have every right to be completely offended. As a God-fearing person, I don’t think it’s right that anyone, man or woman, expose themselves in public for any reason. It’s just disgusting,” said Silver.

 

 

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