CUPERTINO, California –
Apple is reportedly getting ready to announce their latest line of i-Devices this Monday at an event the world will be watching. The event, which is livestreamed from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, will reportedly showcase several new devices the company is launching, but as of now, all eyes are squinting in anticipation of a new, keychain-sized iPhone.
“People have been wanting their devices to get bigger and bigger, after years of wanting them smaller and smaller,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We want to buck the trends, and fight for smaller devices. We are a market leader, and we know that if we change course, the consumers and the other manufacturers will also change course.”
Cook has hinted that the device will be around 2-inches in size, and will come with a keychain firmly soldered to the device. It will still pack all the latest features, including a touchscreen interface, bluetooth, and Apple’s latest iOS, but in a fraction of the size.
“Small things like this are a major seller in places like Japan, where tiny things are considered cuter, and far more popular,” said Cook. “With this launch, we can bring that kind of fanciful technology to the masses, and to the biggest market in the world.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.
“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”
Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.
“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.
“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”
Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.
“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”