Apple To Announce New Keychain-Sized iPhone At Event on Monday

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CUPERTINO, California – 

Apple is reportedly getting ready to announce their latest line of i-Devices this Monday at an event the world will be watching. The event, which is livestreamed from Apple headquarters in Cupertino, California, will reportedly showcase several new devices the company is launching, but as of now, all eyes are squinting in anticipation of a new, keychain-sized iPhone.

“People have been wanting their devices to get bigger and bigger, after years of wanting them smaller and smaller,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We want to buck the trends, and fight for smaller devices. We are a market leader, and we know that if we change course, the consumers and the other manufacturers will also change course.”

Cook has hinted that the device will be around 2-inches in size, and will come with a keychain firmly soldered to the device. It will still pack all the latest features, including a touchscreen interface, bluetooth, and Apple’s latest iOS, but in a fraction of the size.

“Small things like this are a major seller in places like Japan, where tiny things are considered cuter, and far more popular,” said Cook. “With this launch, we can bring that kind of fanciful technology to the masses, and to the biggest market in the world.”

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

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“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

 

Compulsively Checking Your Phone Can Lead To Brain Tumors, Study Finds

phone

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard College have released their findings of a recent study, detailing the effects of compulsively checking your phone.

“What we’ve found is that people who check and use their phone more often, die younger and with more violent, harsh deaths,” said Mark Cooban, who headed the study. “You see, the more often you check your phone, the more likely you are to development cancerous brain tumors, tremors, panic and anxiety attacks, cancer, AIDs, Hep-C, broken bones, vision loss, hearing loss, heart murmurs, and a slew of other issues.”

Although the study is not final, Cooban says that people should take warning of the study’s findings.

“We still have a long way to go, but I will say that of the 4 people in the study, 2 have died due to their phones,” said Cooban. “One was hit by a bus while crossing the street and texting, and another fell off a cliff while trying to send a snapchat picture of themselves to friends. Although not technically what we were looking for, we count those deaths as phone-specific.”

 

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public - The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

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A screenshot of the original post shows over 8k shares and 78k ‘likes’

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