Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

 

Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

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“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

Japanese Scientist Says He Has Invented Time Travel

TOKYO, Japan – 

Hisetto Toy, a Japanese scientist who has been studying time and space travel for over 40 years, says he has finally discovered a way to travel through time. In a translated story released in the New York Daily Post, Toy says that he was able to successfully travel back in time 5 minutes.

“I desperately wanted to have my time machine done by October 21st, 2015, the day that Marty McFly goes to the future in the Back to the Future films, as it is a favorite of mine,” said Toy. “Alas, I missed it by just a few days. Nevertheless, I have successfully completed a travel through time, and am ready to share my findings with the world.”

Toy says that his device, unlike the DeLorean in Back to the Future, is stationary. In fact, it is basically just a small watch-like item that can be worn on the wrist, and enables you to input a time you would like to visit.

“At this point, we can only make it work by going backwards in time, and we think that’s because that is time that has already happened, whereas future events have not begun,” said Toy. “The furthest we have travelled is 5 minutes, just as a test, but our research indicates there would be nothing stopping you from going back as far as you’d like.”

Toys full research will be published in the Tokyo Journal of Science next month.

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