Cats Are Superior To Dogs In Every Way, New Study Conducted By Cat Scientists Confirms

BOSTON, Mowsachusetts –

A group of cat scientists in Boston say that they have come to the scientific conclusion that cats are better than dogs in “every conceivable way,” and that their research is to be published in the Feline Journal of Medicine in the October issue.

“See, when it comes to pets, people generally only have two choices,” said Dr. Mow Furball, a cat scientist at UCLA who lead the team in Boston. “They get a dog, or they get a cat. Yes, you can get birds or other animals as pets, but birds are bullshit, and you damn well know it. So the choice is clearly dog or cat.”

Dr. Furball says that although many people own dogs because they think they’re a better animal, the real answer has always been cat.

“You cannot possibly think a dog is better than a cat after you see our research,” said Dr. Fluffy McCaterstein. “Dogs need to be walked. You have to take them out every few hours on their own. You can’t leave them home for more than a day by themselves or they’ll eat the couch. Frankly, dogs are stupid. Cats on the other hand, are now scientifically proven to be better pets.”

The research conducted by the team is currently “classified,” but notes will be available in the journal’s release.

Japanese Scientist Says He Has Invented Time Travel

TOKYO, Japan – 

Hisetto Toy, a Japanese scientist who has been studying time and space travel for over 40 years, says he has finally discovered a way to travel through time. In a translated story released in the New York Daily Post, Toy says that he was able to successfully travel back in time 5 minutes.

“I desperately wanted to have my time machine done by October 21st, 2015, the day that Marty McFly goes to the future in the Back to the Future films, as it is a favorite of mine,” said Toy. “Alas, I missed it by just a few days. Nevertheless, I have successfully completed a travel through time, and am ready to share my findings with the world.”

Toy says that his device, unlike the DeLorean in Back to the Future, is stationary. In fact, it is basically just a small watch-like item that can be worn on the wrist, and enables you to input a time you would like to visit.

“At this point, we can only make it work by going backwards in time, and we think that’s because that is time that has already happened, whereas future events have not begun,” said Toy. “The furthest we have travelled is 5 minutes, just as a test, but our research indicates there would be nothing stopping you from going back as far as you’d like.”

Toys full research will be published in the Tokyo Journal of Science next month.

Stephen Hawking Allegedly Seen Walking In Secret Security Footage

Stephen Hawking Allegedly Seen Walking In Secret Security Footage

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts – 

World-renowned physicist and one of the smartest men in the world, Stephen Hawking, who has been in a wheelchair for most of his life, suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, was reportedly spotted recently getting up from his wheelchair and casually walking across the room to a refridgerator, where he grabbed a bottle of beer, chugged it, and then returned to his chair.

“I saw the footage on camera, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Cambridge University security officer Phil Rogers. “I’ve known Mr. Hawking for years, and I just didn’t think it was possible. You know, though, I wouldn’t put it past his big brain to have come up with a cure for ALS years ago, but he stays in the chair now because it’s his gimmick. No doubt the ladies love it.”

An Oscar-nominated film was released last year based around the life of Hawking, titled The Theory of Everything. It chronicled his life as a young man, his loves, and his affliction with ALS that left him paralyzed completely. Hawking has been talking via computer for the better part of 3 decades.

“I think it’s possible he could be faking it, but I guess at this point, why would he do that?” said Dr. Grover Sentinel, a professor at Cambridge. “He could do anything he wants. He has one of, it not the most, brilliant mind that there is today. He understands things that no one living ever could. If he can walk, well – you know what, more power to him.”

For the moment, Hawking is remaining quiet about the possible existence of any footage showing him walking or moving on his own. When reached for comment, his publicist said that they would “not discuss such nonsense.”

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Gov't Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

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