Ted Cruz Admits He Was Zodiac Killer

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Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

What started as an internet meme and joke has become a startling reality, as Senator Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful, admitted today that he was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.

“It was me who killed all those people in California in the late 60s and early 70s,” said Cruz to a room full of shocked reporters. “Yes, I know that I wasn’t actually born until 1970…or was I?”

Cryptic information not withstanding, the internet has run with the admission, and several conspiracy theory websites are in an uproar over the information.

“Obviously what happened is that Ted Cruz wins the election this year, and in his rise to power, he amassed a small fortune. He then used his powers and money to direct government agencies to build him a time machine that he then uses to go back and become the Zodiac Killer,” said conspiracy theorist Airi Shay. “Clearly it’s the only possible explanation. How else could a person who wasn’t even born kill all those people?”

Cruz, so far, has denied any allegations that he is a time traveler.

Japanese Scientist Says He Has Invented Time Travel

TOKYO, Japan – 

Hisetto Toy, a Japanese scientist who has been studying time and space travel for over 40 years, says he has finally discovered a way to travel through time. In a translated story released in the New York Daily Post, Toy says that he was able to successfully travel back in time 5 minutes.

“I desperately wanted to have my time machine done by October 21st, 2015, the day that Marty McFly goes to the future in the Back to the Future films, as it is a favorite of mine,” said Toy. “Alas, I missed it by just a few days. Nevertheless, I have successfully completed a travel through time, and am ready to share my findings with the world.”

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Toy says that his device, unlike the DeLorean in Back to the Future, is stationary. In fact, it is basically just a small watch-like item that can be worn on the wrist, and enables you to input a time you would like to visit.

“At this point, we can only make it work by going backwards in time, and we think that’s because that is time that has already happened, whereas future events have not begun,” said Toy. “The furthest we have travelled is 5 minutes, just as a test, but our research indicates there would be nothing stopping you from going back as far as you’d like.”

Toys full research will be published in the Tokyo Journal of Science next month.

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