Oscars Telecast To Feature Only Black People, Minorities In Audience


LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Oscars have been under fire for several years for not having many representatives of color appear in any of the awards categories, especially when it comes to acting awards and Best Picture.

This year, the Academy has fought back, saying that although there still aren’t many minorities represented within the awards categories, they will fill all the seats in the audience with “blacks and other minorities.”

“Normally, the seats around the stage are filled with the celebrities, who are, naturally, white people,” said Oscars telecast director Joe Lambert. “This year, the Academy wanted to do something different, so we’re having all the people who will actually win the awards – that is, the white, talented people – sit way in the back, and in the balconies. The front seats will be filled be a slew of ‘seat fillers,’ which we have every year anyway so in case George Clooney runs to the crapper, the seats all still look full on TV. This year, the difference is that every single seat filler that we hired is blacker than the ace of spades.”

When questioned about where Denzel Washington would be seated, as he actually is nominated this year for his film, Fences, Lambert said he “couldn’t be sure,” but he thought that the Academy wanted Denzel seated with the whites “this time.”

The Oscars are slated for February 26th, and will be broadcast on ABC.

Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

LOS ANGELES, California –

The 2016 Oscar ceremony, hosted by Chris Rock, is only hours away, but you don’t even have to sit through the 4-hour long rambling this year to find out if Leo Dicaprio is taking home the gold (spoiler alert: he is!) In an extremely unprecedented breach of security, the list of winners – which is safeguarded by Price-Waterhouse – was leaked to the internet late Saturday evening.

“This is truly and utterly devastating,” said Price-Waterhouse chairman Jon Mitchell. “For over 50 years, we have been able to keep a lid on the names of the winners until the moment that the envelope opens on stage. We have no idea how the winners were leaked, and we are working diligently to find the source.”

ABC, the channel who airs the Oscar telecast, said they are “extremely upset” by the leak, as it means much lower ratings than normal. Couple the leak with a year where the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag was causing many to boycott the event, and it seems that there may be a lot fewer people both showing up, and tuning into, the event on Sunday evening.

“It’s disappointing, really, and we are scrambling to make sure that the show goes on, and goes off, without a hitch,” said Chris Rock, host. “I’ll still be out there, doing my thing, but it’s a shame, really, that the anticipation of the night is gone.”


Interested to see who will be taking home a trophy tonight?

Academy Spokesman Responds To #OscarsSoWhite Hashtag, Says ‘Black People Can’t Act’


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In the wake of the Academy Award nominations being released on Thursday, an old hashtag of #OscarsSoWhite re-appeared again on social media, as everyone receiving a nomination in the acting category was Caucasian.

“Every time we announce the nominees, we got a swarm of negativity, and there’s not much we can do about that,” said Academy spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We aren’t choosing the nominees, the members of the Screen Actors Guild are doing that. It’s of no surprise to us, though, that all the nominees are white, since it’s a well known fact that the blacks can’t act for shit.”

After the comments were made by Goldsmith to the press, a new hashtag of #BoycottTheOscars began to circulate, with many people, including major celebrities, planning on tuning out when it comes to the award ceremony.

“It’s crazy as hell that some cracker thinks that black people can’t act,” said Jamal Richards of Los Angeles. “Ain’t they ever seen a damn Morgan Freeman movie? Ain’t they ever seen Denzel? That motherfucker is amazing. Hell the damn Globes awards people gave him some lifetime achievement and shit. It’s crazy as hell what they doing.”

Even industry insiders were a little confused as to the nominations, and actors like O’Shea Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson both received incredible reviews for their parts in Straight Outta Compton and The Hateful Eight, respectively.

Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

8 Things You Already Know About Next Year’s Oscar Host

8 Things You Already Know About Next Year’s Oscar Host

WEST HOLLYWOOD, California –

This year’s Oscars may have come and gone, but already the Academy is preparing for their next major showcase. And while you have heard trivia about 2015 host, Neil Patrick Harris, there are also things you may already know about next year’s host. Here are our top eight:

  1. It won’t be Neil Patrick Harris. The Oscars have never had the same host two years in a row, so chances are slim that NPH will get a second go at presenting the show he so badly butchered.
  2. It won’t be NPH’s husband, David Burtka. David Burtka is not famous enough to host the Oscars, and we can be pretty sure he won’t be in the limelight in February 2016.
  3. S/he is not married to David Burtka. David Burtka’s husband is NPH, and NPH is not the 2016 Oscars host. The 2016 host is therefore not currently married to Burtka.
  4. S/he did not play the iconic character of Barney Stinson in sitcom How I Met Your Mother. After finding out that Neil Patrick Harris played that character throughout all eight seasons, we now know that next year’s Oscars host did not.
  5. S/he is not known for the catchphrase “Legen-wait-for-it-dary”. That was Barney Stinson’s catchphrase, and NPH played that role.
  6. His/her first major role was not as child doctor Doogie Howser, M. D. That plaudit goes to NPH, and not next year’s Oscars host.
  7. His/her parents are not Sheila and Ronald Gene Harris. Those are NPH’s parents, and he does not have famous siblings.
  8. S/he will not be the worst presenter in the history of the Academy Awards. That title will likely belong to NPH for the foreseeable future.

These are the most significant attributes that you need to know about the host of next year’s Oscars. Are there any we left out? Leave your suggestions in the comments below.

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy 'Racist, Old White Folks'


HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.  

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”


Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio ‘Retroactive’ Oscars For Past Performances


Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio 'Retroactive' Oscars For Past Performances

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

After two decades of stellar work in the acting field, Leonardo DiCaprio may finally be receiving the award he deserves. The Academy has hinted at the actor being given retroactive awards for his many Oscar-worthy performances. The news comes from a verified anonymous source in the Academy that stated the members could no longer deny the many mistakes they’ve made in overlooking the actor.

“Quite frankly, there came a point where we were doing ourselves a disservice by passing him up over and over again,” the source explained. “If you miss one or two solid performances, it can always be chalked up to there being such a wide pool of talent. But with DiCaprio, we found ourselves simply overlooking too many great performances. So it is time we atone for our earlier mistakes.”

With humble beginnings on television, it was likely impossible for anyone to know just how grand DiCaprio’s career would become. Even less probable was the number of times the actor would be overlooked for great work. The earlier half of his film career was filled with heart-throb roles. However, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was a riveting performances that the young actor failed to cash in on. That nomination came in 1994 for best supporting actor, but was a curious loss to Tommy Lee Jones for his role in The Fugitive, a role identical to every other role that Tommy Lee Jones has ever played.

The Aviator, Blood Diamond, and The Wolf of Wall Street also all failed to earn DiCaprio an Oscar after being nominated. What is worse, some of his very best performances were wholly overlooked by the Academy – DiCaprio’s roles in The Departed, Shutter Island, and Django Unchained were each undeniable forces that were ignored by those holding a vote.

Now the Academy looks to make good on their oversights by handing the actor six Oscars for the various opportunities missed. According to the source, the former winners will be allowed to keep their awards as well.

When reached for comment, DiCaprio could not be understood over the background sounds of many jovial models, money being thrown around, and tropical island waves splashing against a giant yacht.

Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Kanye West has once again made a flub of a decision at the Grammys, and the higher-ups have come down hard on the performer/producer, banning him from all future award ceremonies.

In 2012, when Kanye West rushed the stage and embarrassed both himself and Taylor Swift at the Grammys, everyone assumed it was fluke incident. Most everyone felt Kanye probably had one too many to drink, and simply made the mistake of thinking he deserved to be on stage when he did not. The whole incident, while cringeworthy, was easy to forgive and move on from.

After his hopping onto the stage during Beck’s acceptance speech once again made headlines, the word came down to all the major news networks on Friday. The message could not be more clear: West is no longer welcome at any event that awards artists for their talents. He is not to be on the premises during the events, nor the after-parties, and may not attend any red-carpet pre-event galas.

“If it was anyone else it would have been fine,” said show director Ryan Donahue. “The fact that it was Kanye, again – and in the same distasteful manner – made it impossible to ignore.”

West later stated it was the voices in his head, pointing toward the move being tongue-in-cheek. However, the incident was equally cringeworthy as the original. Once again West seemed to believe he was imbued with an ability to do something that he was not, and to steal the spotlight from an artist. But to this point, West has not backed down.

“All respect to Beck, because he seems like a nice guy and all. But Beyonce made the best album of 2014. And just because she’s not a Scientologist, and only a part of the Illuminati, doesn’t mean she’s second class.”

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating ‘Old White Men’ For Oscars

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Some anonymous Oscar voters have decided enough is enough. After being ridiculed by the public for their award choices, many have taken a very bold and surprising stance.

The 2015 Oscar choices have been criticized for pandering to a particular demographic of “Old White Men.” Many in the media assumed there would be some consideration as to whether the voters themselves may be too skewed into the particular demographic. Given today’s politically-correct society, many in the media also assumed the Academy would take the criticism seriously, and may be interested in considering a change of pace. Apparently that not on their agenda.

“Look, you got these people that think they know what making a movie is,” said one voter. “But the reality is that old white men have been making movies a lot longer than other demographics. They know what they are doing. You don’t get mad at Italians for making better Italian food than everyone else, do you? So why get mad at White men just because they’re excelling at what they are good at?”

The group of voters has remained mostly anonymous for quite some time. It was thought that keeping them anonymous keeps the voters from being bribed and swayed. However, a study found that over three quarters of the voters were white, and the median age was over 60 years old. Many believe that there is enough history to show that old white men in anonymous groups that wield power may not be the best idea.

Some are now openly worried about the direction of the Academy, and many are losing hope that there will be a better system anytime soon. The group now seems to have become entrenched, and are backing its members. They also appear to be emboldened by their anonymity.

A second voter summed it up by stating, “We aren’t just random voters. We’re intelligent white men. Who else would you trust to vote on a subjective art than us? We have years of movie-watching experience under our belts. We can’t help it if Clint Eastwood makes the best movies out there. Others simply have to just get better at what they do.”

Filmmaker Michael Moore Goes Into Hiding After Making Negative Comments About ‘American Sniper’

FLINT, Michigan – Filmmaker Michael Moore Goes Into Hiding After Making Negative Comments About 'American Sniper'

Controversial leftist filmmaker Michael Moore has reportedly gone into hiding, after he made derogatory comments about the new film American Sniper, and about military snipers in general.

Moore tweeted from his verified account, My uncle killed by sniper in WW2. We were taught snipers were cowards. Will shoot u in the back. Snipers aren’t heroes. And invaders r worse.” Although he didn’t mention specifically that he was taking about Chris Kyle, the deadliest sniper in US military history on which the film is based, it was clear to everyone who read it who, and what, Moore was talking about.

According to sources, Chris Kyle’s father, Wayne, was extremely upset that Moore would make such hateful comments about the movie, his son, or the military. Wayne Kyle already made news himself, when he reportedly told director Clint Eastwood and star Bradley Cooper that there would be “hell to pay” if they disrespected his son’s memory.

“Wayne Kyle, like most Americans, wanted to see Kyle’s story represented in a positive light,” said a family friend. “They did an amazing job with the film, but then here comes this loud-mouthed, liberal SOB, talking shit about our boys, about our military, and about snipers? Cowards? The man is a liar, and a coward himself. He uses his one-sided, propaganda films to make people ‘think?’ Well, I tell you what I think. I think he’s a piece of shit, and he should be worried about running his mouth about the military. That could, and does, upset a lot of folks in this great country.”

According to reports, Moore tried to retract what he said, stating that he thought American Sniper was a good movie, and that he didn’t mean to disrespect anyone, but unfortunately for him, the damage had already been done.

“Mr. Moore has taken to the underground, until the storm blows over, so to speak,” said Moore’s agent, Joe “Fats” McGee. “This isn’t the first time that his mouth has gotten him into trouble in the media. We anticipate that he can make it 10, maybe 12 hours, before he’ll need to ‘come up for air,’ and probably a cheeseburger.”

No word on whether comedian Seth Rogen, who also tweeted negative comments about American Sniper, will be joining Moore in hiding.

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