Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

Kanye West Banned From All Future Public Awards Ceremonies

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Kanye West has once again made a flub of a decision at the Grammys, and the higher-ups have come down hard on the performer/producer, banning him from all future award ceremonies.

In 2012, when Kanye West rushed the stage and embarrassed both himself and Taylor Swift at the Grammys, everyone assumed it was fluke incident. Most everyone felt Kanye probably had one too many to drink, and simply made the mistake of thinking he deserved to be on stage when he did not. The whole incident, while cringeworthy, was easy to forgive and move on from.

After his hopping onto the stage during Beck’s acceptance speech once again made headlines, the word came down to all the major news networks on Friday. The message could not be more clear: West is no longer welcome at any event that awards artists for their talents. He is not to be on the premises during the events, nor the after-parties, and may not attend any red-carpet pre-event galas.

“If it was anyone else it would have been fine,” said show director Ryan Donahue. “The fact that it was Kanye, again – and in the same distasteful manner – made it impossible to ignore.”

West later stated it was the voices in his head, pointing toward the move being tongue-in-cheek. However, the incident was equally cringeworthy as the original. Once again West seemed to believe he was imbued with an ability to do something that he was not, and to steal the spotlight from an artist. But to this point, West has not backed down.

“All respect to Beck, because he seems like a nice guy and all. But Beyonce made the best album of 2014. And just because she’s not a Scientologist, and only a part of the Illuminati, doesn’t mean she’s second class.”

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Boxing Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”


Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

NEW YORK, New York – Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The World ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’. 

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”  

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It ‘Unhealthy’

SEATTLE, Washington – Water To Be Banned In Washington Public Schools After Board Finds It 'Unhealthy'

A new food regulation passed by the Washington State School Board is set to start after the holiday vacation.

Beginning in January, all water and ‘water-related products’ will be banned from public schools. The decision was made as a safety measure with board leaders claiming water is too unhealthy to have in any school.

“With childhood obesity, food allergies, and other concerns with what our schools feed children, you would have to think water would be the last thing that would be banned,” said school board member Joan Myles. “But we don’t have the money to test the local water system, and fear an unclean water source can lead to health issues that could make our children sick or shut down the school.”

“We have decided to cut out the middle man and save a few dollars, while making sure the risk of water won’t plague the future of our schools,” said school board president Richard Head. “Programs in schools are getting cut left and right, and now this is just another thing that will become a past memory when thinking about your schools, like music education or pizza day.”

Parents have argued that students should be able to drink water brought from home while in class, as many local residents have private wells on their property, but school board has said that will be a no-go either, as they are claiming it as a possible ‘choking hazard.’

“Lunches that will be provided at the school will also have to be made without water,” said Head. “The portions will also be cut down so children can properly swallow their food without choking. Don’t think of this is a negative change, just think of it as something that could save your child’s life. They won’t need water, because we have Coca-Cola machines that are being installed in the cafeteria and in several hallways throughout the school.”


Fran Drescher-Narrated Audiobook Banned by National Association of the Deaf

HOLLYWOOD, California – Fran Drescher-Narrated Audiobook Banned by National Association of the Deaf

It is not “the best of times” for comedic actress and TV star Fran Drescher, most famous for her role as ‘Fran Fine,’ on CBS’ The Nanny, which ran on CBS from 1993–1999.

The distinctively nasally voiced Drescher decided to self-produce and narrate an audiobook version of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities, after being turned down by major producers and effectively blacklisted by SAG-AFTRA, The Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists.

“I wanted to branch out,” said 56-year-old Drescher from her Hollywood Hills home.  “I’ve done comedy, I’ve done Broadway, I’ve done movies, and so one day I was joking around and I said to my producing partner ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if I narrated a book?’  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Then I started thinking about it and really decided to do it.  Crazy right?  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” she said.

Christopher Wagner, President of the National Association of the Deaf, led the movement for a nationwide ban on the audiobook.  “Approximately .4 percent of the United States population is functionally deaf.  That’s roughly 1 million people.  For God’s sake, isn’t that enough?” Wagner asked.

A petition, largely driven by social media, gathered over 6,000,000 electronic signatures in support of the ban within the first hour of its online launch.  “Our mailbox got flooded,” said Wagner, “and our server crashed.  I was afraid we’d never get our website up and running again.”

“It made me really sad because it was my favorite book growing up.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” said Drescher, after hearing about the ban.  “People wouldn’t necessarily think of me as a bookworm, but I really am.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” added Drescher.  “I love to read out loud.  I can do other voices besides ‘Fran Fine.’  She was a character, not a real person.  I have people who’ve lived around me for years who haven’t gone deaf.  I can prove it.”

Early on in the project, Drescher contacted Audiobooks International Executive Vice President, Joseph Widden.  “I thought I was being punked,” he said.  “It sounded like Fran Drescher on the phone, but I have a lot of friends who do voices.  That’s what I do.  I get to know people who do voices.  Then they do audiobooks.  I thought it was a joke.  I hung up the phone.  She called again.  I hung up again.  This went on for an hour.  She finally stopped.  The tape came out.  She did it herself.  Chris Wagner called.  He got me on board.  That’s what I do.  I get on board.  I got on board.  I made some calls.  That’s what I do.  I called some people.  They owed me favors.  That’s what I do.  I call things in.  I called things in.  We got the ban.  So here we are.”

“He wouldn’t take my call,” said Drescher.  “So I did it myself.  Now I got a garage full of CDs.  What am I going to do, drive around the country putting up a card table?  What can I say?  You gotta have a sense of humor about this business.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Drescher says that she may donate the audiobooks to schools in developing countries, where it’s possible they aren’t familiar with her voice.

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