RICHARDSON, Georgia –
Laysha Ward is speaking out after a spa accident ruined her face. After her mani-pedi she opted for a microdermabrasion (or natural enzyme peel) face and eye collagen mask and décolleté treatment at the recommendation of a spa employee. Ward says, “She said the treatment would deliver visible results. Well I’ll say it did.”
Ward has now started a campaign to warn people about the dangers of routine spa treatments. Friends have started a GoFundMe page, as the only good thing about a personal tragedy is squeezing sympathy money from family, friends, and strangers on the internet.
“My face is just absolutely ruined. My skin is dryer than it gets in the middle of winter. I have a date this Friday and there is no way my t-zone will recover.” While there will be no permanent disfigurement, Ward says the event was very traumatic. “I will never feel safe at the spa again. I also now have a fear of makeup counters and bukaki bars. All those perfect days I had ahead of me. That’s all over now.”
Dermatologist Jessica Toothman supports Wards campaign to warn people of the frequently overlooked risks that come with a day of pampering. “There’s just no guarantee you aren’t going to get your face burned off. Even is spas aren’t buying cheap abrasive chemicals from China, there’s always the chance you’ll be the unlucky one that has a bad reaction. Women have come to me looking like moldy watermelon after a facial. My advice is leave it at the massage.”
MIAMI, Florida –
A Miami man visited a doctor recently for what he assumed was a skin rash or a boil on the side of his face, but doctors surprised him by explaining that the lesion was actually a spider’s nest.
“When the patient came in, he thought he was just going to be getting the area lanced and cleaned,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Miami-Dade Hospital Center. “As soon as he came into the ER, though, we sectioned him off and had to perform minor surgery immediately.”
This is not the first time that a Miami-area man has had spider eggs laid inside their body. In 2006, another man was complaining of an itchy spot on his leg, and doctors were forced to amputate from the knee down after they discovered a colony of more than 10,000 baby spiders had nested under his skin.
“Our patient was a lot more lucky. He will not lose any of the skin on his face, and we were able to contain and kill all of the spiders,” said Dr. Brown. “Basically, a pregnant spider must have been crawling on our patient’s face during the evening, and was able to lay her eggs in an opening when our young patient was suffering from severe acne. It’s a fluke, and rare, but something everyone should be aware of.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Actor Owen Wilson, the uglier, slightly funnier brother of actor Luke Wilson that you probably know from movies like Wedding Crashers and The Internship, has announced that he finally plans on fixing his nose, which has bothered audiences for year.
“I have decided that the time is right, and I will be undergoing rhinoplasty to fix this monstrosity of a nose on my face,” said Wilson. “I’ve played the comedian long enough, and my agent has told me that if I ever want to be taken seriously, I should try and take better care of my looks, so I am.”
Wilson has been acting for decades, and has a net worth of nearly $40 million from starring in hit films, but has always maintained his hideous facial feature.
“I’m so glad that he’s wising up and having the surgery,” said Wilson fan Mario Jones. “He would be so much better in movies if he wasn’t so damn hard to look at.”
“I think that it’s really courageous of him to talk about how ugly he’s been in public like this,” said Maria Jackson, another fan. “I always thought he would be so yummy if only he wasn’t so damn fugly. Now his brother Luke? Mmmmh, honey – I’d eat the crack of that man’s ass, lordy lordy, he’s fine!”
ROCKFORD, Illinois –
Although a person who lets their mouth hang open may appear stupid or inbred, new studies suggest it may actually be a sign of superior intellect and genius.
Researcher Steven Hildebrandt claims many who let their mouths gape open show more brain activity on MRIs. “They’re using such a large percentage of their brain on intellectual pursuits that their jaws and jowls involuntarily relax.” Hildebrandt says he has found that not all mouth breathers are geniuses, and encourages people not to judge intellect based on mouth breathing alone.
Mareta Romano, the mother of a ten year old who suffers from resting-retard face says, “I couldn’t stand how she let her mouth hang open all the time. I said ‘Dora, sweetie, you look like a goddamn fool.’ After hearing about this study, I still do not feel a young lady should let her mouth hang wide open like that, but I have made her father stop beating her for it.”
Hildebrandt claims that they plan on continuing the study, examining more mouth breathers, with full findings expected to be published later in the year.
PEIKING, China –
Pang Wok has a rare condition that has caused his teeth to grow outwards, through his lips and gums, appearing on the outside of his face. Although doctors say that with plastic surgery and careful extraction they could fix most of Mr. Wok’s issues, he seems completely un-phased by his condition.
“I have always been like this, so no need to change anything now,” said Wok, 52. “I do not have cavities, I can still chew, so there’s not much to complain about. I am who I am and that all that I am.”
Wok says that many doctors from all over the world have offered to correct his tooth issues free of charge, but even then, Wok claims that he’s not interested.
“What’s the point? Everyone I know has seen me, they’ve grown used to it,” said Wok. “If I changed the way I look now, what would my family say? What would my wife say? They know me in this way. I am happy enough, even if I look strange. Besides, all of my patients think it’s hilarious.”
Wok has been a practicing dentist for over 20 years.
PHOENIX, Arizona –
A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.
“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”
The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.
“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”
Mommy and baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.
LOS ANGELES, California –
In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.
“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”
Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.
“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”
DECATUR, Alabama –
Jennie Clarke just turned 9-year-old on October 19th, and she’s one of the happiest girls you’ll ever meet. She loves to sing, talk to her friends on the phone, and listen to music like any other normal 9-year-old. The only thing about Jennie that’s different, though, is that she was born without any facial features at all; Jennie is all mouth.
“It was startling, to say the least, when she was born. I mean, all she had was this giant gaping mouth in her face,” said Jennie’s mother, Rhonda Clarke. “Over time though, we got used to it. People stare sometimes, and they gawk at her in public. Thankfully Jennie can’t tell though, since she has no eyes. She’s just the happiest girl.”
Doctors have reportedly never been able to determine Jennie’s exact medical condition, but Rhonda Clarke says that she’s not really interested anymore in figuring out why, she just wants Jennie to be able to live the best, most full life possible.
“She’s perfect in every other way,” said Rhonda. “Totally healthy, no issues. She eats, sleeps, plays, and everything just like every other girl her age, she’s just a little more special. We’re very, very blessed to have to wake up to her face every day. Family really is the most important thing there is.”
DENVER, Colorado –
A 16-year-old teenage girl has reportedly been hospitalized after a bong she was smoking marijuana out of exploded, causing severe damage to her face.
“My daughter was told not to smoke the weed, but she didn’t listen, and now her beautiful face is gone,” said the teen’s mother. “I wish that I had been a better parent and paid more attention to her. She only started smoking weed because I worked so much, and now she’s going to be disfigured. I blame myself. I blame myself!”
Doctors say that this is the 12th bong explosion incident since Colorado legalized marijuana two years ago.
“We have seen, too often, these explosions of marijuana bongs. Teens do not seem to realize how volatile and dangerous smoking ganja can be, especially when smoking out of a giant piece of glass,” said Dr. Emile Jones. “In this specific situation, the girl’s face has been almost entirely removed. It will take years for skin grafting to be completed, and she will definitely never be sexy again.”
The unnamed teen’s parents are urging anyone who smokes to stop as soon as possible.
“Never light the bong again, or your face could also be ripped away,” said the teen’s father. “This is the most depressing thing to ever happen to anyone ever. Please learn from my daughter’s mistakes and put down the pot.”
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.
“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”
“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”
“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”