NEW YORK, New York –
Over 30 West Point cadets were injured during a campus-wide pillow fight last week, leading most people throughout the country to worry that the US military may, in fact, be training a large group of pussies.
“There were at least 30 cadets who were injured during a pillow fight, several of them were injured seriously, and had to be hospitalized,” said West Point teacher Richard Branson. “It’s a shame. I am trying very hard to teach these kids to be strong, military-style men. Instead, they’re being hospitalized after being hit in the face with a pillow. Pussies.”
West Point made an official comment on Monday, saying that they are definitely not “training groups of pussies” at their esteemed institution.
“West Point is one of the oldest military academies in the country, and we train the best of the best,” said the memo posted to West Point’s website. “This pillow fight and the purported injuries are not indicative of the kind of men we are training at our academy. These weaklings will be dealt with accordingly, and several may even be forced to leave the academy. We do not train pussies at this school.”
“I’m definitely not a pussy,” said West Point student Joe Goldsmith. “I got hit a bunch of times, but hell, they’re just pillows. Sure, I was bleeding a bit, and I think some people may have been using ‘firm’ pillows when we strictly said goose down only, but you know, military life is tough, and everyone should be sucking it up.”
West Point says that they will be further investigating the incident, and “dealing appropriately” with anyone they deem to be too pussified to continue their education at the school.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.
“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”
“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”
“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”