West Point Students Revealed To Be Pussies After Injuries Sustained In Pillow Fight

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

Over 30 West Point cadets were injured during a campus-wide pillow fight last week, leading most people throughout the country to worry that the US military may, in fact, be training a large group of pussies.

“There were at least 30 cadets who were injured during a pillow fight, several of them were injured seriously, and had to be hospitalized,” said West Point teacher Richard Branson. “It’s a shame. I am trying very hard to teach these kids to be strong, military-style men. Instead, they’re being hospitalized after being hit in the face with a pillow. Pussies.”

West Point made an official comment on Monday, saying that they are definitely not “training groups of pussies” at their esteemed institution.

“West Point is one of the oldest military academies in the country, and we train the best of the best,” said the memo posted to West Point’s website. “This pillow fight and the purported injuries are not indicative of the kind of men we are training at our academy. These weaklings will be dealt with accordingly, and several may even be forced to leave the academy. We do not train pussies at this school.”

“I’m definitely not a pussy,” said West Point student Joe Goldsmith. “I got hit a bunch of times, but hell, they’re just pillows. Sure, I was bleeding a bit, and I think some people may have been using ‘firm’ pillows when we strictly said goose down only, but you know, military life is tough, and everyone should be sucking it up.”

West Point says that they will be further investigating the incident, and “dealing appropriately” with anyone they deem to be too pussified to continue their education at the school.

NASCAR Fans Disappointed That No Drivers Have Been Killed Recently

Posted on March 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MIAMI, Florida –

It’s been a quiet few months for NASCAR, and fans are beginning to grumble. Since August 2014, not a single driver has been killed, meaning the sport is nothing more than grown men playing racing cars. Kevin Ward Jr. was the flavor of the month when Tony Stewart seemed to accelerate into him, killing him and ending his short career.

“It’s no fun anymore, since Kevin’s death,” said long time fan, Huxley Turncroft. “They’ve increased safety regulations, and I can’t imagine we’ll see any further accidents of the kind in the near future. Drivers are just too scared to be reckless right now.”

NASCAR driver Jamie Dick has been hospitalized in the last few days, but apparently it’s because of health issues unrelated to driving. He certainly wasn’t hit in the head by debris on exiting his car after a crash.

“Dick is in our thoughts,” said NASCAR spokesperson Reynold Howards. “Dick is in the hands of gentle and caring nurses. But he has a boring illness, and no signs of having hit his head on the steering wheel.”

Stefan Howitzer, an analyst of sports injuries and deaths, says the world is going through an unusual dry spell.

“A couple of weeks ago, a footballer in England collapsed due to minor issues. Basically, he fainted. Nothing exciting. At the Cricket World Cup in Australia a batsman went to the doctor for a common cold, but no one has been killed by having a cricket ball hit them in the back of the neck. And NASCAR has been even worse. Drivers have been escaping serious injury by either not crashing or by having excellent safety equipment built into their cars. New technology is destroying the world of sport.”

A representative of the NASCAR Drivers Association hit back at reports, saying “we’re trying really hard to cause injuries and death. However, it is getting harder to do so without having legal recourse taken against us. Our experts are working hard on coming up with new strategies.”

Man Survives Suicide Attempt After Jumping From 20 Story Building

Posted on February 15, 2015 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington-

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”

Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SAN FERNANDO, California –

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident.

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.