Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

SEATTLE, Washington-

One lucky man almost met his death last Thursday evening, but apparently fate had other plans. A Seattle man, Frank Carpenter, is alive today after attempting to kill himself by jumping from the top of a city building.

Carpenter reportedly jumped off the top floor of the IBM building, which is a 20-story skyscraper in downtown Seattle. He still remains in the hospital with several broken bones, but doctors say that, unbelievably, he has no life-threatening injuries.

“When I jumped, every regret came to mind of how much my life could offer me. I had so many things going bad in my life, and I didn’t think there was any hope for me. My girlfriend left me, I lost my job, and Russell Wilson threw the worst pass I’ve ever seen to lose the Super Bowl,” said Carpenter, now smiling in his hospital bed. “Surviving this, I’ve just done a complete 180 on my outlook, and I am just happy to be breathing. I see now how great this world can be.”

Doctors say they have no idea how Carpenter survived the fall, but say that striking a business canopy before hitting the ground may have been enough to slow him down without causing instant death.

“It seems that most of the force was taken in his legs, and he has severely compacted bones in both ankles, feet, and knees. He also broke one arm, and severely sprained another. Amazingly, though, that’s about his only injuries, and we have performed surgery,” said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith. “With physical therapy, he should walk again just fine. Man, if he had jumped head first, he would be so dead right now.”

When asked him what was going through his mind when he hit the ground, Carpenter said “Ouch.”