LOS ANGELES, California –
Researchers at the prestigious Children’s Institute of America recently completed a 20 year study on the effects of children who color on themselves with Crayola markers, and the study proves conclusively that those children grow up to have extremely high IQs.
“We followed 2,000 children for the last 20 years, and of those 2,000 case studies, half of them were allowed to color on themselves using markers, while the other half were not,” explained Dr. Richard Kimball. “What we found was that the 1000 kids who were able to let their creativity flow by drawing on themselves, a significant portion of them grew up to be extremely smart, some of them tipping past genius levels.”
Dr. Kimball says that 978 of the children who were allowed to Crayloa their own faces consistently had IQs in the genius level, where as all 1000 of the non-colorers had normal, average IQs, or below in adulthood.
“This study proves conclusively why you should allow your children to be creative, and do whatever they’d like. If they want to color themselves blue, why, go out and get them some markers,” said Dr. Kimball. “Down the road you’ll be glad you did.”
ROCKFORD, Illinois –
Although a person who lets their mouth hang open may appear stupid or inbred, new studies suggest it may actually be a sign of superior intellect and genius.
Researcher Steven Hildebrandt claims many who let their mouths gape open show more brain activity on MRIs. “They’re using such a large percentage of their brain on intellectual pursuits that their jaws and jowls involuntarily relax.” Hildebrandt says he has found that not all mouth breathers are geniuses, and encourages people not to judge intellect based on mouth breathing alone.
Mareta Romano, the mother of a ten year old who suffers from resting-retard face says, “I couldn’t stand how she let her mouth hang open all the time. I said ‘Dora, sweetie, you look like a goddamn fool.’ After hearing about this study, I still do not feel a young lady should let her mouth hang wide open like that, but I have made her father stop beating her for it.”
Hildebrandt claims that they plan on continuing the study, examining more mouth breathers, with full findings expected to be published later in the year.
OAK TREE, Arkansas –
While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.
“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it – especially during the annual high school physical time.”
“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”
“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”