World’s Most Pierced Person Dies Going Through Airport Metal Detector

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.

“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”

Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.

“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”

Ferguson Protestors Blocking Streets Cause Death Of Young Child

FERGUSON, Missouri – Ferguson Protestors Block Streets, Cause Death Of Young Child

A young boy has died today because Ferguson protestors were blocking streets around the city, causing an ambulance to be stuck behind several miles of traffic. Joey Goldsmith, 5, needed an emergency appendectomy, and was being transported from his home to the hospital via ambulance.

“All these stupid people, they were out in the streets, wasting their time ‘protesting’ while my son died in the back of an ambulance,” said Maria Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “If we could have gotten to the hospital, he would have been fine. Thousands of idiots out there, thinking they were changing a damn thing, and now I’ve lost my entire world.”

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Throughout the entire country, protests based around the Michael Brown ruling have been popping up, with several arrests even being made in Boston, as well as New York during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. While the looting and riots in Ferguson have died down, the more “peaceful protests” are still going strong, but even those have been causing serious headaches throughout the city.

“I couldn’t get to work this morning because some group of do-gooders were out with their signs and megaphones, screaming and hollering. It wasn’t violent, but I’ll be damned if they didn’t hold up traffic. I was almost 2 hours late for work,” said Regina Myles, a nurse at a local hospital. “Look – it doesn’t matter which side of this cop shooting you fall on, lives are being interrupted by your ignorance. Get out of the damn streets, and do something worthwhile.”

“Well, not that anyone really cares how I feel at this point in time, but I was definitely annoyed at the amount of traffic there was,” said Officer Dylan Charles, of the Ferguson Police Department. “I mean, I’m certainly not going to say anything to these people directly, God knows what kind of shitstorm that could fire off. But really, calm down. Your protests are just dumb, and people need to be able to travel through the city without being held up. I mean for Christ’s sake, if I wanted to deal with fruitless protesting, I’d go to the Gaza Strip.”

Ferguson police say they are trying to work with the National Guard to keep protestors safe, and also keep traffic moving freely, so as not to kill anymore children or inconvenience anyone further.

Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

LAREDO, Texas – Man Dies Attempting to Stab Straw Into Capri Sun Juice Pouch

Strange news out of Laredo, Texas this morning after the body of 26-year-old Cole York was discovered by neighbors in his apartment building late Monday evening. Police reports say that Cole was killed when he attempted to open a Capri Sun pouch and accidentally stabbed himself in the brachial artery, a major artery located in the upper arm, with the straw.

Police are calling the incident a ‘freak accident,’ and say that it’s the first time they’ve ever seen such carnage from an injury sustained via straw.

“I’ve never seen anything like this, such a small straw, I don’t know how it did so much damage to this poor guy,” said officer Tyler Reed. “I was the first one on the scene, we had a 911 call from his apartment, and when no one answered the door I kicked it in. I went to the kitchen and it looked like a horror movie. The blood had spewed through the straw and was all over the kitchen. The walls were covered.”

Rudolf Wild Ltd., the makers of Capri Sun, have yet to comment on the death or about the safety of their product, but a company spokesperson did say that there was no planned recall of their juice pouches. Police and health officials are asking people to stab their Capri Sun pouch with caution, if they absolutely have no other means to get their intake of juice.

“It is defiantly bizarre. My kids  drink Capri Sun, and it had never occurred to me that I needed to be concerned about juice-related injuries,” said Reed. “They’ve always made it kind of tricky to get the straw in the little dot, but it never crossed my mind that it could be deadly. Now I’ve seen everything.”

 

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