April Fools Day To Become National Holiday Starting In 2016

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

If you were upset that your job only gives you the standard Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas off each year, you’re in luck. White House press secretary Joel Winter released word this morning that several other holidays that are celebrated each year will officially become national holidays, giving more people time off from their regular nine-to-five.

“We are officially recognizing several new holidays as government, or ‘National’ holidays, starting in 2016 and 2017,” said Winter in the statement. “Starting this year, April Fools Day, Grandparents Day, and Talk Like a Pirate Day will all officially be recognized in the United States as national holidays. These days will give employers more opportunities to give their employees a day off, and give workers extra days to relax and enjoy time with families.”

According to Winter, 2017 will see even more inclusions, including Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.

“Valentine’s Day is one that we had hoped to see become a national holiday in 2016, but it was just coming up too fast,” said Winter. “It is a major holiday, though – for both couples and single people. Yes, even singles love Valentine’s Day, because it gives them an excuse to drink more. It was with that in mind that the holiday made the list; no one likes to be drunk at work.”

Winter says the final step in the holiday recognition changes would be to include birthdays, which they are hoping to have officially on the books by 2020.

Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

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JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana – 

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

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“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

New Jersey Elementary School Has Halloween Parties Despite Criticism

LONGFELLOW, New Jersey – 

The Longfellow Elementary School in New Jersey is taking some serious criticism from parents and religious groups, after they sent letters home with students indicating that they would have Halloween parties on Friday whether “parents liked it or not.”

“We have a vast array of students here, and not all of them come from families whose religious or conservative views make them boring, brainless, and complete sticks-in-the-mud,” read the letter written by school administrators. “We’ve had Muslims, Christians, and every other religion asking us to NOT have Halloween parties, and we think that is rubbish. Kids will be kids, and we want them to have some fun during the school day. If you don’t like it, keep your kid home.”

The administration is taking some heat for the move, with many parents saying that they don’t want their kid involved in the “Devil worship” that happens on Halloween.

“Most parents are pretty damn stupid, and that’s what this comes down to,” said school principal John Freemont. “Halloween is about fun for kids. It’s not about the Devil. It’s not about witchcraft. For the kids, it’s about some candy and bobbing for apples. These parents who don’t want their kids to celebrate the holiday don’t have to send their kids to school. Of course if they don’t, they will have to come make up that day at the end of the year.”

Freemont says that any parent who has concerns about the holiday are welcome to call his office, where he says he has an answering machine already rigged up.

“It just tells them to kiss my school’s metaphoric ass,” said Freemont. “No one is taking away the fun from my students. Not even their parents.”

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

thanksgiving whopper

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

‘Clock Kid’ Becomes Biggest Selling Halloween Costume Of All Time

clock kid

DALLAS, Texas – 

The ‘clock kid’ look has just become the most sought-after and biggest selling Halloween costume of all time, selling 29.7 million times on Amazon in the last 48 hours, according to reports.

“We can’t believe how many costumes we sold,” said costume designer Jim Meyer of Costume Company, Inc. “It’s staggering. I’m not sure how we will even make all the suitcase bombs…er, I mean ‘clocks,’ in time for the holiday.”

Clock Kid, which is based on a recent major headline involving a scam artist teen who built a hoax bomb and brought it to school, was originally slated to be banned by most online retailers, after a couple people started a petition, calling it “racist.” More proof that money talks, though, when it comes to major companies, the rapid sales changed the minds of Amazon, and others.

“Oh, we definitely want it to be available, no matter how racist it is, or isn’t, depending on how you look at it,” said Amazon spokesman Rett Tyler. “I mean, I’m not offended by it, so I couldn’t possibly care less. We’ve sold approximately a half a billion dollars worth of this costume in the last couple days. There are going to be a ton of Clock Kids coming to your door for candy this Halloween.”

According to HalloweenWatch.edu, ‘Clock Kid’ may hold the world record for biggest-selling costume of all time. It has reportedly already passed ghost, witch, and cowboy in children’s costumes, as well as sexy nurse, sexy maid, and sexy schoolgirl in the adult costume world.

“If this stays huge into next Halloween, we’ll also be releasing a ‘sexy clock kid’ version of the costume as well,” said Meyer. “This is a damn goldmine.”

There is no word from Clock Kid himself, Ahmed Mohammed, on how he feels about the costume, although more than likely, he and his family are just upset that they are entitled to any royalties.

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas TV Advertising Campaigns On May 1st

Many Retail Stores Begin Christmas Advertising Campaigns May 1st

UNITED STATES – 

Starting May 1st, many retailers will begin running their Christmas and holiday themed ads on television and via the internet, in hopes of getting a jump on competitors who offer similar products for similar pricing.

“We normally would not jump into the holiday spirit so soon,” said Best Buy advertising manager Cliff Blue. “But we saw that Future Shop and HH Gregg were both going to be launching their Christmas ads, so we decided to do so as well. We have to stay competitive.”

Other retailers who begin holiday advertising this May include K-Mart, Home Depot, and Target.

“Basically at this point, everyone is just trying to keep up with Wal-Mart, and whatever they’re doing,” said a board member of Target who wished to remain anonymous. “We heard that they were going to be launching Christmas ads in June, so we wanted to break away. We already have plans of starting our Christmas ads for next year on December 26th of this year, so that way no one can ever say they were before us.”

Customers of all the stores say they couldn’t care less what the ads on TV are showing, because most of them don’t see TV commercials anyway.

“Well, we had cable up until a month ago, but we finally cut the cord, so I never see commercials anymore,” said Anne Taxe, of Washington. “Come to think of it, even when we had cable we DVR’d everything and skipped commercials. Yeah, so, I guess it doesn’t matter what they’re trying to shove in my face – I’m not seeing it anyway.”

“Christmas is a time for giving, and for caring, and what better way to show someone you care than to let them know you were thinking of them in the middle of the spring, and had their gift ready 8 months in advance?” asked Blue. “This year, give them something they’ll always remember, like a 65″ Panasonic TV. On sale for the holiday at only $1,300 with a 4-year protection plan!”

President Obama Signs Bill Creating ‘Rodney King Day’ As New Federal Holiday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Signs Creating 'Rodney King Day' As Federally Recognized Holiday

Yesterday, in the John F. Kennedy Memorial White House Ballroom, President Barack Obama signed a bill, proposed by Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, creating ‘Rodney King Day’, and making it a federal holiday. The new holiday will be recognized annually on April thirty-first, starting next year in 2015.

In the United States, a federal holiday is an authorized holiday which has been recognized by the government. On Rodney King Day, non-essential federal government offices will be closed, including the post offices and the federal reserve, and every federal employee will be paid for the holiday. Private-sector employees required to work on the holiday shall receive holiday pay in addition to their ordinary wages, according to the bill.

Democratic Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, who proposed the bill, says that it is very important for the American republic to celebrate the awareness of social unity during times of public adversity.

“As you may very well know, Rodney King, after being brutally beaten by the Los Angeles police officers was made a national hero when he uttered the powerful quote for which he will always be remembered, ‘Can’t we all just get along?'” said Johnson. “Mr. King cried out to the American public during the infamous L.A. Riots, and later suffered through a trial where his abusers were found to be innocent. As good Americans, it is our ultimate responsibility to make it a point to remember these great words from such a heroic and wise man, whose justice was never properly served.”

President Obama says the now famous words of Rodney King offered America a great deal of hope while setting the standard for change.

“Hope, change. These ideas are a product given to use by the great Rodney King. Mr. King made a remarkable difference – not only in this great country of hard-working God-fearing citizens – but the world as a whole continues to feel the remnants of peace, hope, love, and the overall importance of unified change,” said Obama. “It is my honor to sign this extraordinary bill. As I stand before a better America today, it is with pride and utmost appreciation that I say, on the behalf of the great American people, thank you Rodney King. Thank you very much.”

 

Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

AURORA, Colorado – Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.

 

 

Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

LUBBOCK, Texas – Man In Coma After Being Electrocuted By Walmart Self-Checkout Register

A man is still in a local Texas hospital early this morning after a bizarre event occurred at a Walmart located in Lubbock. Jason Hart, age 32, was electrocuted while using the self checkout lane, and the incident is raising suspicion as to whether or not the faster route is necessarily the best route for the customer.

Hart was using a self-checkout screen at the Lubbock Walmart when he was severely shocked, thrown several feet back, and knocked unconscious after hitting his head against the floor. Security cameras show the incident occurring at around 11:45pm.

“I came in for my shift and saw a man laying on the ground,” said Keith Evans, an employee at the store. “At first I thought it was some drunk guy passed out, which happens way more than you’d think. Actually, since we are talking about Walmart, it happens probably just as often as you’d think. Anyway, this guy had pissed himself, and he had vomited all over the place, too. It was on all the magazines and candy racks nearby. I tried to wake him up, but when he didn’t budge at my attempts, I called my manager, and she called 911.”

It still is unclear to what caused the screen to malfunction enough to shock Hart, but a small crack in the screen of the register Hart was using was identified by police, and they are consulting a ‘computer expert’ to discover whether such a small issue could be to blame.

“Yeah, I mean, I guess a computer could shock you,” said Joe Goldsmith, a computer expert on the payroll of the Lubbock Police Department. “I don’t know. Who cares? The guy is going to sue the store if he wakes up, anyway. Doesn’t matter if he was shocked, if he had a stroke, or if he tried to have sex with the cash register. In this country, if you’re injured at a place of business, you sue them. ‘Merica.”

Hart is currently in a Lubbock hospital and is still in a coma, but his vital signs are stable according to doctors.

Walmart has yet to make an official statement about the incident, pending legal advice, but a Walmart employee at the store did tape a piece of paper over the cracked screen that says “Out of Order.”

 

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

NEW YORK, New York – Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The World ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’. 

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”  

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

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