President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The world-famous Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which draws millions of tourists to New York City each year and has been featured in countless holiday films over several decades, has turned out to be a literal big phony.

Suspicions arose when the tree’s installation this year took place under the cover of darkness, with no advance public announcement. The installation of the tree is a tradition observed since the early 1930s, rivaled only by the tree’s official lighting ceremony.

Rockefeller Center officials reluctantly revealed the ruse when rumors were confirmed that the upstate New York family who donated this year’s tree had a change of heart, and decided not to cut down the 85 foot tall Norway Spruce.

“My grandfather planted that tree almost 90 years ago,” said Bruce Connor, the tree’s current owner. “He loved Christmas and after we made the decision, we couldn’t sleep,” he said. “My wife was a wreck just thinking about the tree not being there anymore.”

There was no ‘backup’ tree considered, since the honor of having one’s tree become the centerpiece of a worldwide celebration has never before been rejected. “I hope people understand, said Connor. I hope the world understands.”

Initial reaction from tourists in New York City was subdued. “I don’t care if the tree is artificial or not,” said Alice Thomas, visiting with her family from Chicago. “We came here to take in the sights, ice skate at the rink, and do some shopping. I think it looks fine, and let’s face it – who likes sweeping up all those needles? I sure wouldn’t. It’s still beautiful.”

Environmental groups praised the action, calling it a step in the right direction toward conservation. A statement released by animal rights group PETA also endorsed Rockefeller Center’s move. In part it read, “The natural habitat of many woodland creatures was spared by this action taken by Rockefeller Center. Remember, people are animals too,” read the somewhat confusing press release.

“The tree looks pretty,” said six-year-old Tracey Thomas.“ It looks like a real tree, but bigger.”

Rockefeller Center spokesperson Marcia Bibb said there is no ill will held toward the Connor family, but said in the future an alternate tree would be considered. “All’s well that ends well,” said Bibb. “The environmentalists are happy, the Connors are happy, and the visitors seem to be enjoying the season as they do every year. Happy holidays!”

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”