Mall Santa Arrested After Punching Little Boy Who Urinated On His Lap

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Charles DeMar, 60, was arrested this week after he punched a 4-year-old child in the face who accidentally urinated on his lap. DeMar, who has been playing Santa Claus in a mall in Bangor, Maine for the last 4 years, reportedly “flipped out” according to witnesses, when a young child urinated on him while asking for presents.

“Oh man, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said mall shopper Joanne Lewis. “Santa grabbed the kid by the back of his coat and held him up. He was yelling and shouting and calling the kid a ‘dumb little motherfucker,’ and then he proceeded to punch the poor kid in the face 3 or 4 times. The mother was screaming her head off.”

Mall security rushed to the Santa area, where they tackled DeMar and rushed the child to a local medical center. DeMar was detained until Maine State Police were able to arrive.

“That little sonofabitch, he’s definitely going on the naughty list,” said DeMar during police questioning. “He pissed on me on purpose, I know he did. I told him that he could choose one or two toys to ask for, but that greedy little asshole had a 12-page list of things he wanted. He deserved the beating, and I’m glad to have been the one to have given it to him.”

DeMar is being held until his arraignment. The boy’s parents have stated they plan on filing a lawsuit against both DeMar and the Bangor Mall.

Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home

Posted on March 22, 2015 by Justin Birch

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A mall Santa in Phoenix was taken into custody late last evening, after it was reported by several security guards that the man may be taking nude photographs of children visiting him.

The Santa, who told police that his real name was Chris Kringle, was allegedly in possession of dozens of naked photos of children, both boys and girls, all who were wearing elf hats and shoes.

“This self-proclaimed Santa is a dirty, disturbing pervert,” said Cpt. Scott Calvin of the Phoenix Police Department. “We received reports that he was storing photographs of naked children inside his little pretend house that the mall had set up for him just outside the food court. When we arrested Kringle, we did discover Polaroid photos of what appear to be very young children, between the ages of 6 and 11. Kringle is being charged with felony possession of pornography and endangering the welfare of a child.”

According to police reports, Kringle is claiming that he is entirely innocent, and that it’s all a big misunderstanding.

“Those are not pictures of children,” said Kringle during police questioning. “Those are elves. Yes, I know they look like children, but elves like to blend in with people, so that’s how they appear. But I promise you, the pictures are of people who are hundreds, some even thousands, of years old. I know I have a problem, but it’s not with looking at naked children. That’s disgusting. I love children. The only problem I have is that I’ve betrayed my wife, Mrs. Kringle-Claus. I owe her a massive apology, and I hope she will forgive me.”

Police are currently trying to identify the children in the photos, but so far have come up short. A lawyer for Kringle said that he is ‘working tirelessly’ to get the charges dropped before December 24th, when he says that Kringle will need to be out delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world.

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

Posted on December 8, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”