Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

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Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

PHOENIX, Arizona – Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

A mall Santa in Phoenix was taken into custody late last evening, after it was reported by several security guards that the man may be taking nude photographs of children visiting him.

The Santa, who told police that his real name was Chris Kringle, was allegedly in possession of dozens of naked photos of children, both boys and girls, all who were wearing elf hats and shoes.

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“This self-proclaimed Santa is a dirty, disturbing pervert,” said Cpt. Scott Calvin of the Phoenix Police Department. “We received reports that he was storing photographs of naked children inside his little pretend house that the mall had set up for him just outside the food court. When we arrested Kringle, we did discover Polaroid photos of what appear to be very young children, between the ages of 6 and 11. Kringle is being charged with felony possession of pornography and endangering the welfare of a child.”

According to police reports, Kringle is claiming that he is entirely innocent, and that it’s all a big misunderstanding.

“Those are not pictures of children,” said Kringle during police questioning. “Those are elves. Yes, I know they look like children, but elves like to blend in with people, so that’s how they appear. But I promise you, the pictures are of people who are hundreds, some even thousands, of years old. I know I have a problem, but it’s not with looking at naked children. That’s disgusting. I love children. The only problem I have is that I’ve betrayed my wife, Mrs. Kringle-Claus. I owe her a massive apology, and I hope she will forgive me.”

Police are currently trying to identify the children in the photos, but so far have come up short. A lawyer for Kringle said that he is ‘working tirelessly’ to get the charges dropped before December 24th, when he says that Kringle will need to be out delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world.

FOX Broadcasting Company To Launch New Free Adult TV Channel ‘FXXX’

LOS ANGELES, California – fox broadcasting launches new adult network FXXX - empire news

Fox Broadcasting Company, the driving force behind over-air network FOX, and cable channels FOX HD, FX, and FXX, have announced the first adult TV channel to be broadcast free both as part of a regular cable subscription or streamed online. The new channel, FXXX, will feature hardcore pornographic adult films, as well as short movies and even amateur user-submitted content.

Normally, adult films are broadcast through cable or satellite providers solely as subscription channels, such as the Playboy or Hustler channel, or as on-demand features. FXXX plans to be the first channel to be included, at no extra cost, with every cable content provider in the United States.

“All of the FOX networks, whether they be over-air or pay-cable channels, have always pushed the envelope when it comes to content,” said Dana Walden, Co-Chairman of Fox Broadcasting. “With the launch of FXXX, we can’t push the envelope much further. If FX’s slogan was ‘There Is No Box,’ then FXXX’s slogan is ‘There Are Tons Of Boxes.’ This is going to be hardcore, in-your-face pornography. It will be what the Hustler channel wishes it could be, and it will make the Playboy Channel look like PBS.”

Walden went on to say that the network will also feature online streaming at no additional cost, and that funding for the channel – which will premiere ad-free – will be paid for by specific product placements throughout the films.

“Maybe Harry Longdick wears a Trojan brand condom in one scene, and maybe Tiffani Juggs gets thirsty and reaches for an ice-cold Pepsi in another,” said Walden. “There are plenty of opportunities for product placement in the adult film industry. Hell, we might even be able to get more creative with that Pepsi bottle, now that I’m thinking about it.”

Despite what most people think, there is nothing stopping any channel from showing any content they wish on their cable channels. The FCC, the agency in charge of “policing” the airwaves, does not actually monitor cable or pay channels.

“In fact, we don’t even really monitor over-air channels,” said a representative of the FCC who spoke to us anonymously. “Basically, if someone calls in and complains about something they saw on TV, then we assume that there are at least 1,000 other people who didn’t take the time to call. So if we get, say, 100 calls that Janet Jackson’s breast popped out at the Super Bowl, well then that must be 100,000 people who were offended! That’s how things work at the FCC.”

The FCC doesn’t at all monitor cable channels, but seldom do viewers see any excessive violence, language, or sex aired prior to 10PM.

“The networks like to police themselves. We can show whatever the hell we want, but we don’t want to alienate people,” said Walden. “FXXX will throw that entire concept right out the window, because we’re going to be showing people banging it out all day, every day. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch. If your kids watch it, well – they had to learn about reverse cowgirls and rusty trombones someday, right?”

FXXX will launch on all major providers, including Comcast, DirecTV, Dish Network, and Time Warner Cable starting in October.

 

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