Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana –

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

If you notice an extra pep in the smile or step of your local Starbucks cashier this holiday season, now you’ll know why. The CEO has announced today that he will be splitting his stupidly ridiculous $8 million dollar Christmas bonus up between all the minimum wage employees currently working for the major coffee chain.

CEO Howard Schultz has said that he has decided to give away his bonus to keep morale up during a hectic holiday season, and to help continue the good feeling customers get when coming into Starbucks.

“I want my employees happy. Happy employees equal happy customers,” said Schultz. “I’d love to keep the money myself, I’m only human, but that would be greedy. I don’t need the money, I make almost $30 million dollars a year, which amounts to over $14,000 an hour. These people are making less than $9 an hour. We where in a meeting, thinking of different ways to reward our employees for their hard work, and the little pay they make, when someone tossed me this idea. I laughed at first, but then I gave it some thought.”

Schultz said that after figuring his personal budget, and whether or not he could live without the extra $8 million on top of his regular salary, he decided that he would divide his bonus equally among all his employees.

“What the hell, you only live once or twice, give-or-take,” said Schultz. “This extra money will mean more to my employees than it can to me. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend $8 million on Christmas presents, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be one of the highest paid CEOs in the country, and be thought of as some sort of Christmas Scrooge. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I want to thank them all for being Starbucks baristas.”

The bonus, which when divided equally among all the employees will be around $50, and will be issued to employees in the form of a Starbucks branded pre-paid Visa.

Wal-Mart Plans To Layoff Thousands of Employees If Federal Minimum Wage Is Raised

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Angela Baker

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Expect even longer lines at Wal-Mart this holiday season if the federal minimum wage is raised, as Wal-Mart executives say they plan to lay off thousands of workers if the bill finally makes it through congress.

Douglas McMillion says, “It’s the only way we will be able to keep our costs low, while keeping the Walton family in the lifestyle they have grown accustomed to. They are in the midst of building a new addition to the family bunker. They need to be prepared to fend off the welfare horde when the inevitable economic collapse happens, and government aid dries up. In fact, everyone should be preparing for this. We have great deals on bottled water and ammo, and you’d be wise to take advantage of these low, low prices while you can.”

Recently workers have organized strikes, demanding fifteen dollars an hour. Store manager, April Ranger says, “It’s ridiculous. Wal-Mart pays a livable wage, and most of the staff is barely worth the $7.25 we give them anyway. Plus they get a 10% discount on everything they could possibly need for their families, and we give them just enough hours so that they can still receive hundreds of dollars in state aid.”

While many claim, they will stop going to Wal-Mart in support of the workers, that is easier said than done. Economist Bill Mason says, “Wal-Mart killed all competition, and now that the Main Street USA is dead, you have no choice but to spend your measly earnings at Wal-Mart. If minimum wage goes up, either costs go up, or companies downsize to compensate for having to spend more on unskilled labor. You think CEOs and shareholders will take the hit?”

Daughter of Sam Walton, Alice Walton also remarked, “Fifteen dollars an hour? Do we really need to pay cashiers more than public school teachers? This is a job anyone can get and anyone can do. It’s really too bad we can’t outsource it to India. Those people would kiss my high heels and call me Buddha for $7.25 an hour.”

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.