USPS Says Stamp Cost To Be Raised To $2.00 Each Starting In August

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The US Postal Service says that they can “no longer survive” on the low cost of stamps, and after several increases in their cost of shipping packages, they are finally going to be increasing the cost of their individual stamps. Currently, a first-class stamp for a letter or a card would cost you less than two quarters. Starting in August, though, you’re going to need to get change from a $5.

“On August 3rd, we will officially be raising the price of stamps to $2 per each, with sheets of 25 stamps selling for $50,” said post master Tom Thomas. “We understand that this is an incredible increase in one jump, but the cost of shipping has not gotten cheaper, and we have not had an increase in several years.”

The current cost of a stamp is only .49 cents, but the USPS says that they can’t survive charging so little.

“We’ve tried to last, and only increase the cost of specialty packages, but it’s not working,” said Thomas. “We have to change with the times, and although this was a difficult decision, we feel it is the right one.”

Thomas suggests that people go out now and buy the post office’s “Forever Stamps,” which are still only .49 a piece, and will be good forever, regardless of future price increases.

U.S. Postal Service Says They Are Closing After 2015 Holiday Season

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After many years of floundering and struggling to make ends meet with a fast-dropping budget, the United States Postal Service say that they will be closing completely after the 2015 holiday.

“There are other companies who do what we do, but they do it faster, cheaper, and better,” said USPS Postmaster General Marge Lampoon. “Between UPS, FedEx, and – of course – email, we cannot compete any longer. It’s a sad day, for sure, but people have been doing without us for years. We think that they will be okay.”

The USPS says that they will be staying open through the holiday season, but that times for delivery will be much slower.

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“We’re starting to cut back immediately, so there will be less delivery drivers, less people to sort, etcetera,” said Lampoon. “If you normally get your mail by 3pm each day, you may find you’re not getting it until 10 or 11am the following day. We urge you to not use our service at all if you need to get your package somewhere quickly. If it’s not time-sensitive, by all means! We’d love to still send it along for you.”

“It’s too bad, really, that they’re closing. I have all these Goddamn ‘forever stamps’ that, I guess, I don’t need,” said former USPS customer Mark Clemons. “I’m wondering now, actually, if I can sue them for false advertising. I mean, I just bought these things two weeks ago. I don’t consider two weeks forever. Ah, the hell with them.”

 

Postal Worker Fired After Putting His Own Feces In Mailboxes

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LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

If you live in the Lexington-Fayette area and notice a strange smell coming from your mailbox, don’t attempt to get your mail. A mailman in the area has reportedly been arrested this week after being caught placing his own feces into several mailboxes on his normal route.

Peter Hill, age 45, was caught red-handed by a fellow mailman as he placed human excrement into a mailbox. Chief postal clerk Marion Dunn said she was completely taken aback when she saw Hill putting feces into mailboxes.

“The USPS had asked me to follow him, secretly, on his route one day,” said Dunn. “I did, and we didn’t make it past one house before [Hill] was squatting down, shitting on the ground, and then scooping it up and placing it in the mailbox. I followed him all day, and he did the same thing at 46 houses. To be honest, it was quite a feat. I know I can’t crap on demand like that.”

Hill tells Empire News that he wouldn’t change any of it, and would continue shitting in mailboxes even though he no longer works for the USPS.

“I don’t regret what I did at all, and to be honest I’m glad that I was arrested. It will give me plenty of free time to build up a bulk supply of feces. I was placing my poop in certain mailboxes of people I didn’t enjoy giving mail to. Some of the people left their dogs roam free and I would get attacked on the regular. Others would just do things that irked me like having messy front yards. I had to send a message, and I feel my message came across perfectly – you treat the mailman like shit, you get that right back in return,” said Hill

 

USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer

USPS To Begin Offering E-Mail Services This Summer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

An announcement from the United States Postal Service (USPS), stating that the long-running industry will begin delivering emails this summer, has been greeted with approval and enthusiasm. Pundits say that it’s about time the USPS catches up with the rest of the world, and fans of the public service are overjoyed that it has found a way to stay relevant.

“It’s fantastic that the Postal Service will remain with us for eons to come,” said Martha McConaughey, user of the post for over eight decades. “Frankly, I think the new-fangled email post is far too complicated and unnecessary – after all, we’ve used post for centuries. But it’s being embraced by young generations, and we oldies worried that our favorite means of communication would be discontinued. This way, it remains working with the email post service a sideshow.”

Google chairman, Eric Schmidt, has expressed his effusive acknowledgement of the next chapter in US postal history.

“We have been looking for a new carrier of emails and the USPS is better than we could have imagined,” he wrote in a pop-up note to Gmail users. “The load that Gmail processes is becoming too much for our current contractors to deliver, and we trust that the country’s faithful servant will find a way to deliver emails in the fastest, most efficient way possible.”

There have been other reasons that Google have been looking for a new delivery system. According to GStats.org, over 2% of emails get delivered to the wrong people, and online vouchers get lost in the post. Sometimes the email will arrive with the voucher having fallen out. Martha McConaughey shared her shock story with us.

“I sent my grandson an email with a voucher for the iTunes for $20. Two months passed without it arriving, and I had to send him a new one! I couldn’t believe the negligence which it was treated with, and Google weren’t sympathetic at all to my concerns. They called young Harry a liar! Can you believe that?”

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

WASHINGTON, D.C. – U.S. Postal Service Plans Cutbacks, Moving To 'Weekend Only' Delivery Model

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.

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