USPS Says Stamp Cost To Be Raised To $2.00 Each Starting In August

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The US Postal Service says that they can “no longer survive” on the low cost of stamps, and after several increases in their cost of shipping packages, they are finally going to be increasing the cost of their individual stamps. Currently, a first-class stamp for a letter or a card would cost you less than two quarters. Starting in August, though, you’re going to need to get change from a $5.

“On August 3rd, we will officially be raising the price of stamps to $2 per each, with sheets of 25 stamps selling for $50,” said post master Tom Thomas. “We understand that this is an incredible increase in one jump, but the cost of shipping has not gotten cheaper, and we have not had an increase in several years.”

The current cost of a stamp is only .49 cents, but the USPS says that they can’t survive charging so little.

“We’ve tried to last, and only increase the cost of specialty packages, but it’s not working,” said Thomas. “We have to change with the times, and although this was a difficult decision, we feel it is the right one.”

Thomas suggests that people go out now and buy the post office’s “Forever Stamps,” which are still only .49 a piece, and will be good forever, regardless of future price increases.

U.S. Postal Service Says They Are Closing After 2015 Holiday Season

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After many years of floundering and struggling to make ends meet with a fast-dropping budget, the United States Postal Service say that they will be closing completely after the 2015 holiday.

“There are other companies who do what we do, but they do it faster, cheaper, and better,” said USPS Postmaster General Marge Lampoon. “Between UPS, FedEx, and – of course – email, we cannot compete any longer. It’s a sad day, for sure, but people have been doing without us for years. We think that they will be okay.”

The USPS says that they will be staying open through the holiday season, but that times for delivery will be much slower.

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“We’re starting to cut back immediately, so there will be less delivery drivers, less people to sort, etcetera,” said Lampoon. “If you normally get your mail by 3pm each day, you may find you’re not getting it until 10 or 11am the following day. We urge you to not use our service at all if you need to get your package somewhere quickly. If it’s not time-sensitive, by all means! We’d love to still send it along for you.”

“It’s too bad, really, that they’re closing. I have all these Goddamn ‘forever stamps’ that, I guess, I don’t need,” said former USPS customer Mark Clemons. “I’m wondering now, actually, if I can sue them for false advertising. I mean, I just bought these things two weeks ago. I don’t consider two weeks forever. Ah, the hell with them.”

 

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