Burger King Manager Fired After He Was Caught Eating McDonald’s Big Mac

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SCRANTON, Pennsylvania – 

A lawsuit is underway after a Scranton, Pennsylvania Burger King manager was fired earlier this week because he was caught eating a Big Mac cheeseburger on his lunch break. Ron Berger, the now former store manager, was let go after 10 years with the Burger King chain after security footage showed him bringing the McDonald’s flagship burger into the restaurant he was in charge of.

There is no rule controlling what employees can or cannot eat while on their break, but Burger King “strongly suggested” that employees eat something off of their menu.

“I mean, it wasn’t the first time that I’ve brought in food from McDonald’s, but I guess it will be the last,” Said Berger. “I really enjoy Big Macs. They’re so delicious. I really just can’t resist the two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions – on a sesame seed bun…and it’s just a food item that Burger King doesn’t offer. It isn’t like I’m trying to take down Burger King one Big Mac at a time, they’re just damn delicious. I plan to sue for what they’ve done, and I feel that I’ll be finally able to order something other than an item off the dollar menu when I get my settlement check.”

Burger King Corporation has released a statement about the issue, and it comes as no surprise that they aren’t taking the side of the fired employee. McDonald’s has reportedly offered a job managing one of their locations to Berger, who has not decided if he wants to continue working in fast food.

13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

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SAN DIEGO, California – 

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

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“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

Woman Starts Petition To Burger King To Bring Back ‘Halloween Whoppers,’ Says They Helped Her Lose Weight

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CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Jenicka Jones says she has eaten nothing but Black, or ‘Halloween Whoppers’ for the last two months and ended up losing 25 pounds. “My theory is there is something in that dye. It makes your poop blue, but it also makes the calories slide on through without hurting you.”

Burger King launched its Black Whopper for Halloween, but it has since been discontinued. When Jones noticed the weight loss she made sure to stock up. “I bought a special freezer for Black Whoppers, filled it all up with them. It’s so convenient. Just pop it in the microwave and I’m good to go.”

Jones says she hopes to be the new “Subway Jerod,” without all the sexual deviancy. “Plus, I’m cheap. All I want is free fast food for life. Maybe they could dye all their buns black. Make a whole line of Jancika’s Weight Loss Sandwiches or something.”

So far, Burger King has not responded to Jones’ request for a year-round Black Whopper.

Burger King Announces Thanksgiving Whopper Coming In November

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CHARLESTON, South Carolina – 

Burger King has announced this morning that, thanks in large part to the incredible response to their ‘Halloween Whopper,’ they would be releasing a follow-up speciality burger in the form of their new Thanksgiving Whopper.

The burger, which is said to be the traditional burger, but featuring toppings including turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce, and french fried onions, is set to go on sale in select markets next week, and will officially launch November 10th.

“We are really, really excited for people to try this new Thanksgiving Whopper,” said Burger King CEO Chris Murphy. “The Halloween Whopper was a hauntingly good idea, and it was a smashing success. We hope that the Thanksgiving Whopper gains equal traction and that consumers love it.”

Murphy says that if the burger does well, they may consider continuing with specialty burgers each holiday, including a Christmas Whopper, a New Year’s Eve Whopper, and a Civil Rights Day Whopper, among others.

There is currently no word on what color your poop will be after eating the Thanksgiving Whopper.

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

Wendy’s Announces Merger With Burger King, Plans To Surpass McDonald’s As #1 Fast Food Joint

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CHARMING, North Dakota – 

In business news, Wendy’s has announced an impending merger with Burger King, in a bid to surpass McDonald’s as the biggest fast food franchise in the world. The move could spell an end to McDonald’s global hold over the industry, finally providing equal competition to the major corporation.

“We’re very excited about the future,” said Wendy’s CEO Emil Brolick. “I can’t imagine what could possibly go wrong with a conglomeration which will have the grilled, fried, toasted options all available in one quick drive-thru. Things are looking up.”

Executives at McDonald’s, however, maintain that the two rival chains are bluffing, trying to force their hands in “some perverted attempt at bringing us down. They’ve worked hard over the decades to take over, and this is just the latest attempt. I can tell you, they’ve asked us to relinquish our presence in certain states and countries in order to stop this disastrous merger. We’re gonna call their bluff.”

Industry insiders fear that open warfare may ensue.

“Unless they come to some sort of deal, who knows what could happen,” said analyst, Tracy Kaufman. “The title of King won’t scare McDonald’s, though. Ronald is a tough guy but also diplomatic. He’ll try sanctions and boycotts before things get too heated in their respective kitchens.”

Brolick hit back at what he called “the doubters,” releasing a proposed schedule for the stages of the merger, projecting finalisation already by the end of 2015. “This is really happening. It’s time for King Wendy – or Wendy’s King, we haven’t worked out all the finer points yet – to reign. His majesty’s rule will benefit not only America but the entire world. We’ll be free from the dictatorship of that insane clown for once and for all.”

Burger King To Offer Late-Night ‘Stoner’ Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

BRUNSWICK, New Jersey – Burger King To Offer Late-Night 'Stoner' Menu For Marijuana Smoking Patrons

Failing fast food giant Burger King announced today a new late-night menu targeted directly at stoners and drunks. Burger King’s decision is, of course, purely profit driven, which come as no surprise. The company’s honesty on the subject is what has industry insiders scratching their heads.

“We decided not to beat around the bush – if you’re out buying fast food after 1 am, you’re either drunk or stoned. With that in mind, we are unveiling our new late-night menu that we are simply dubbing the ‘Stoned Selection,'” said Bill Baron, Burger King CEO. ”Let’s face it – we are not the first to do this, we’re just the first to be open about why we’re doing it. Taco Bell’s entire menu is aimed at pot smokers, and Papa John’s new Sriracha hot sauce and Fritos Pizza screams ‘I’ve got the weed munchies.'”

“We have partnered with other companies in an effort to give the pot-heads all the best foods for eating while high,” said director of marketing Greg Hause. “The menu will only have two choices to keep it simple, because research shows anything more than 2 will bring the average 17-year-old who is high as a kite to a decision-making standstill. The two menu items will be either Hot Pockets and Bugles, or Bagel Bites and Ho-Hos. The only drink option is going to be a large Mountain Dew, naturally. In the test markets of Colorado and New York, our ‘Stoned Selection’ menu has been a huge success, and we plan to go nationwide by the end of the year.”

 “It’s the best,” said Matt Martino, a 16-year-old weed smoker in Denver. ”I don’t remember what I had, but I remember it being really good. Me and my friend were going to go to Taco Bell, but that menu is too confusing man. Last time we went there we stared at the menu so long, the place closed before we got our order in. It was kind of epic.”

 

Fast Food Chains Brace For Onslaught Of Fake ‘Sympathy Stories’ By Parents Of Disfigured Children

OAK BROOK, Illinois – empire-news-fast-food-chains-brace-for-onslaught-of-fake-sympathy-stories-ugly-disfigured-children

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, and several other fast food chains have been preparing for the worst, after a story about a girl with scars from a pitbull attack was allegedly asked to leave a KFC restaurant in Jackson, Mississippi because her face was “scaring other customers.”

When that story proved to be completely false, made up by the family of the young girl to gain sympathy and money for her surgeries, other fast food chains buckled down, preparing for an onslaught of fake stories created by parents of ugly or disfigured children.

“We have already informed all of our store managers that they need to treat every customer with dignity and respect, something they strive to do already.” Said Ray Kroc, president of  theMcDonald’s Corporation. “We also let them know that if they get any ugly or otherwise ‘messed up’ kids in their restaurants, that they need to go the extra mile for them, and their families. We can’t take any chances, here.”

KFC Corporation had initially offered to donate $30,000 to Victoria Wilcher, the young girl who was reportedly asked to leave their restaurant, to help pay for her rapidly rising medical costs. When news broke that Wilcher’s grandmother, Kelly Mullins, had fabricated the story, KFC actually stood by their offer, something other companies might have never done.

“We offered her the money, we’re not going to take it back now.” Said Harland Sanders, president of KFC Corporation. “I mean, if the family wants to not take the money now that the world knows they’re complete liars, then that’s up to them.”

“That story went viral, and before they knew what hit them, KFC was giving away thousands of dollars. It’s now been proven that [the family] completely made up the story.” Said Dave Thomas, president of Wendy’s Restaurants. “Are they bad people for trying to scam a multi-billion dollar corporation? Well, that’s for everyone else and KFC to decide, not me. I’m not the one handing over thirty grand.”

Several fast food chains have already gone on record as saying that they will not be giving a cent to anyone, no matter how severe their fake claims are, or how hard they tug on the heartstrings of a gullible public, without proper research into any allegations.

“I don’t care if someone says we dragged a kid with no legs out of his wheelchair and pelted him with chicken nuggets,” said Kroc. “We’re not even giving the kid a free Happy Meal until we’ve investigated the matter internally.”

In this sue-happy, complaint-riddled world, it’s not just restaurants that need to be worried about these fake ‘sympathy stories.’ The entire retail world is shaking where they stand, readying themselves to be sued for anything from an offensive TV commercial to a store employee with bad breath.

“We’ve had so many complaints over the years, so many stories made up about us, I can’t keep track of them all.” Said Sanders. “We use rats instead of chicken, that our chickens are mutants, that we support the KKK…we’ve had them all. You know what, though? We’re still here, still clucking right along.”

So far, no comments have been made publicly by Victoria’s family, but their Facebook page, which was set up to help raise money for Victoria’s medical bills and was the page that originally posted the allegations against KFC, was removed on Tuesday afternoon.

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