Sick Woman Places Onions In Socks Around Room; Does Nothing But Annoy Husband

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

John Maher is threating to divorce his wife, Shirley Maher, if she refuses to get off Facebook after it linked her to a “cure” for her common cold.

After reading about the antibacterial properties of onions, Geraldine placed bowls of onions around the room and put sliced raw onions in her socks. She had read the phosphoric acid would enter her bloodstream through her feet. The article also promised that her room would not stink, since the onions would absorb bacteria which it claimed is the cause of most foot and body odor.

“I had a very stubborn cold so I would’ve tried anything. My husband was of course skeptical, but I don’t know- I think it helped,” she says.

John disagrees. “It didn’t do anything but stink up the house. Can’t get the smell of onions out of the mattress now. Of course it did not do a damn thing, since germs don’t go leaking out of your feet, and even if onions kill bacteria, the common cold is caused by a virus.”

John says this is not the first time something silly she read on Facebook has hurt their marriage. “Besides the fact I have to listen to all the damned gossip, she nearly burned the place down with some craft involving all my good sharpies and rubbing alcohol. It’s my own fault really. Mother told me not to marry Shirley. You wouldn’t believe it now, but I was quite the stud in my day.”

Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

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Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

McDonald’s Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac ‘Secret Sauce’; You Won’t Believe What’s In It

OAK BROOK, Illinois – McDonalds Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac's 'Secret Sauce'; You Won't Believe What's In It

McDonald’s Corporation has always been a company of speculations and urban legends – everything from styrofoam being used in their shakes to kangaroo meat in their burgers. No matter what the rumor was, though, McDonald’s usually didn’t make a statement about it at all, choosing to remain quiet and ignore detractors. This morning, though, the company chose to make an announcement that would put an end to some speculation over a popular item on their menu.

Since the release of the iconic Big Mac, one of McDonald’s most popular menu items, people have been asking the same question for years: What is in that special sauce? Even the once-popular jingle for the burger, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,” mentions it – but kept the tangy, sweet sauce ingredients a mystery. Even movies like Nickelodeon’s Good Burger parodied the “secret sauce” concept. It’s been talked about for years, but never publicly commented on by anyone from the restaurant.

Finally, after years of wondering, curiosity, and frustration, CEO Donald Thompson has put the debates to rest.

“It’s just Thousand Island dressing, salt, sugar, and generic Miracle Whip,” said Thompson. “Were you expecting it to be something super-special-secret? Sorry to disappoint. It’s good though, right? People have been saying for years that it was just dressing, but we thought it was something ‘special,’ and we wanted to keep it that way.”

An anonymous source from inside McDonald’s has said that Thompson finally announced the ingredients to the sauce because the company is planning on brining out a new, major food item that they say could very well replace the Big Mac as its flagship menu item.

“The new item, it’s not really a burger. Well, I don’t want to say too much,” said the source. “But think about this – would they really tell everyone what the ‘secret sauce’ was made of if there wasn’t something bigger and better coming down the pipeline? You’ll just have to wait and see.”

 

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