Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

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JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

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