4-Year-Old Prodigy Stuns World By Being Accepted To Yale

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4-Year-Old Prodigy Stuns World By Being Accepted To Yale

ROYAL OAK, Michigan – 

A 4-year-old boy has stunned the world by becoming the youngest person ever to be admitted to Yale – or any other college. Hans Stensy of Michigan is being called a prodigy. Since his first birthday he has been a party trick for his parents, with his eloquent use of the English language, as well as groundbreaking literature theory. John and Nancy Stensy believe that Hans is ready to change the face of American higher education, and will allow him to skip regular schooling to get his bright future started.

“We’re very proud of our Hans,” Nancy told reporters. “He wows us every day with his knowledge of Tolstoy and Kafka, as well as his critiques of modern American poetry and disdain for J.K. Rowling.”

Empire News secured an exclusive interview with the child genius.

When did you realize you were special?

“From the moment of conception, my mental faculties exceeded that of the average American. Still, there was a long path ahead of me before I could actualize my abilities, and it was only at birth that I discovered other homo-sapiens existed.”

You’re so cute with those big words.

“I know not of an interview in which the interviewee has been told he is cute. I don’t appreciate it, and I am willing to get my mommy to take me home if it continues.”

Why literature? Why not mathematics, like the usual child prodigies?

“Mathematics is simple. All it requires is basic algorithms which, for most humans, appear incredibly difficult, yet are obvious to my intellect. Literature is art, and thus there are no correct answers, except that Shakespeare is overrated and that Dan Brown is a commercial whore.”

When did you have time to read so many books?

“I cannot explain the speed at which I read, as you probably know very little about the cognitive means with which words are processed.”

Do you have any inspirational words for future college applicants?

“Don’t give up. The smartest of you are hardly any better than the dumbest – it only seems so to your extremely limited capabilities.”

Hans will be at Yale from the beginning of next semester. He is expected to be carried to classes by fellow students who patronize him without knowing what that term means.

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