Man Fakes His Own Death To Get Away From Nagging Wife

Man Fakes His Own Death To Get Away From Nagging Wife

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

In a story of resurrection and hope, Herbert Mancini, assumed dead for the past 10 years, has been found alive in New York. He claims to have faked his death in an attempt to escape the incessant nagging of his wife.

“We’re all so glad Herbert is alive,” said family spokesperson, patriarch Richard Mancini. “We knew he had it tough with Martha, but we never realized how bad it was. He put us through heartache and pain, and his two daughters both unsuccessfully attempted suicide after his ‘death’, but we appreciate why he had to do what he did.”

One of the two daughters, Sarah, made a statement from the hospital bed, where she lies, a vegetable.

“…..” she said. “… ….. ..”

Her sister, Roberta, translated her sentiments.

“She says she missed him. She’s very glad to finally have our father back, and wishes he had come back sooner. However, she wants to know why he didn’t just kill off mom, and save us all from her whininess.”

Martha Mancini, the unbearable nag that she is, told reporters that she had been waiting for his return, always having known he wasn’t really dead.

“I went on talking to him as if he was still there,” she explained. “I’d say, ‘Herbert, take the garbage out will ya.’ When he refused, I’d say, ‘Heeeerbeeeeeerrt, take the gaaaaahbage out, will ya.’ The garbage still hasn’t been taken out.”

Mancini himself has explained why he had to go to such great lengths.

“It was either kill her, kill myself, or pretend to be dead,” he told Empire News. “The first option was most appealing, but I don’t think I coulda got away with it. The second option was no good – I’da been dead. So I took the only one left open.”

He then went on to describe how it was to be back with his family.

“That first option’s seeming kinda good again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know. I really fucked up in returning. But it was hard living incognito all those years. My next funeral is scheduled for next week. Meantime, I’ll be in the Bahamas.”

President Obama Signs Bill Creating ‘Rodney King Day’ As New Federal Holiday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Signs Creating 'Rodney King Day' As Federally Recognized Holiday

Yesterday, in the John F. Kennedy Memorial White House Ballroom, President Barack Obama signed a bill, proposed by Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, creating ‘Rodney King Day’, and making it a federal holiday. The new holiday will be recognized annually on April thirty-first, starting next year in 2015.

In the United States, a federal holiday is an authorized holiday which has been recognized by the government. On Rodney King Day, non-essential federal government offices will be closed, including the post offices and the federal reserve, and every federal employee will be paid for the holiday. Private-sector employees required to work on the holiday shall receive holiday pay in addition to their ordinary wages, according to the bill.

Democratic Representative DeMarcus Johnson of Georgia, who proposed the bill, says that it is very important for the American republic to celebrate the awareness of social unity during times of public adversity.

“As you may very well know, Rodney King, after being brutally beaten by the Los Angeles police officers was made a national hero when he uttered the powerful quote for which he will always be remembered, ‘Can’t we all just get along?'” said Johnson. “Mr. King cried out to the American public during the infamous L.A. Riots, and later suffered through a trial where his abusers were found to be innocent. As good Americans, it is our ultimate responsibility to make it a point to remember these great words from such a heroic and wise man, whose justice was never properly served.”

President Obama says the now famous words of Rodney King offered America a great deal of hope while setting the standard for change.

“Hope, change. These ideas are a product given to use by the great Rodney King. Mr. King made a remarkable difference – not only in this great country of hard-working God-fearing citizens – but the world as a whole continues to feel the remnants of peace, hope, love, and the overall importance of unified change,” said Obama. “It is my honor to sign this extraordinary bill. As I stand before a better America today, it is with pride and utmost appreciation that I say, on the behalf of the great American people, thank you Rodney King. Thank you very much.”


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