NEW YORK CITY, New York –
In a story of resurrection and hope, Herbert Mancini, assumed dead for the past 10 years, has been found alive in New York. He claims to have faked his death in an attempt to escape the incessant nagging of his wife.
“We’re all so glad Herbert is alive,” said family spokesperson, patriarch Richard Mancini. “We knew he had it tough with Martha, but we never realized how bad it was. He put us through heartache and pain, and his two daughters both unsuccessfully attempted suicide after his ‘death’, but we appreciate why he had to do what he did.”
One of the two daughters, Sarah, made a statement from the hospital bed, where she lies, a vegetable.
“…..” she said. “… ….. ..”
Her sister, Roberta, translated her sentiments.
“She says she missed him. She’s very glad to finally have our father back, and wishes he had come back sooner. However, she wants to know why he didn’t just kill off mom, and save us all from her whininess.”
Martha Mancini, the unbearable nag that she is, told reporters that she had been waiting for his return, always having known he wasn’t really dead.
“I went on talking to him as if he was still there,” she explained. “I’d say, ‘Herbert, take the garbage out will ya.’ When he refused, I’d say, ‘Heeeerbeeeeeerrt, take the gaaaaahbage out, will ya.’ The garbage still hasn’t been taken out.”
Mancini himself has explained why he had to go to such great lengths.
“It was either kill her, kill myself, or pretend to be dead,” he told Empire News. “The first option was most appealing, but I don’t think I coulda got away with it. The second option was no good – I’da been dead. So I took the only one left open.”
He then went on to describe how it was to be back with his family.
“That first option’s seeming kinda good again. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, you know. I really fucked up in returning. But it was hard living incognito all those years. My next funeral is scheduled for next week. Meantime, I’ll be in the Bahamas.”
