Tumblr Announces Intentions To Delete Accounts Of Feminists, Feminist Supporters

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Tumblr, the world’s 4th most popular social media website, is a place where users can repost other people’s pictures and gif images over and over again, while never actually creating any original content. Designed initially as a new style of blog or journal, Tumblr has lately become a haven for the feminist movement, wherein “every single bitch out there thinks she matters.”

“It’s too true, and it’s too sad,” said Tumblr founder Tom Tumble. “I just wanted people to share some funny pictures and write journal entries. Kind of like Livejournal, except relevant. Instead, all I get are nasty, bitchy feminists making posts about how ‘every man is a rapist’ and using stupid, made-up, asshole words like ‘manspreading’ and ‘mansplaining.’ It’s disheartening.”

Tumble says that he has decided to delete accounts of “known feminists,” and also to warn those who use any hashtag related to the movement of feminism.

“I am not against women being empowered. Many of the people on staff at Tumblr are bright, intelligent women,” said Tumble. “Feminism is something that was needed when women couldn’t vote, or couldn’t marry another woman, or couldn’t marry a man because he was black. All those things, all those rights, are here now. Women should fight for what they want, but what these women on Tumblr want, apparently, is to just be flaming twats.”

Several major feminist users on Tumblr were reached out to for comment, but most of them said they were too busy shopping for thick-rimmed glasses or shaving one side of their head to talk. All of them also said that, as a man, I should stop raping them with my emails.

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Sewn Shut

BOISE, Idaho – 

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

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Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

AURORA, Colorado – Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.

 

 

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