Feminist Groups Cause Kermit The Frog To Check Into Hospital For Depression


LOS ANGELES, California – 

After pictures surfaced recently of Kermit The Frog with his apparent new girlfriend, a pig named Denise, feminists and feminist groups took to the internet, like they always do, outraged that the frog would leave his partner of almost 40 years, Ms. Piggy, for a “younger and hotter” pig.

“It’s disgusting that Kermit would begin to date so soon, and not only that – he chose another pig who is younger, thinner, and ‘hotter’ than Ms. Piggy,” said Twitter users DumbFeministBitch202. “It’s nasty, and I hope Kermit kills himself.”

“No one should have to see their longtime love, the father of their little pig and frog children, move on so fast, to someone so much more attractive,” said feminist blogger Susan DeTwat. “What Kermit the Frog is doing is more proof that men only care about one thing, and that’s sexualizing women, and always keeping their eye on a better prize. Kermit the Frog should kill himself for being so disgusting.”

According to his agent, Kermit The Frog is “resting” at an undisclosed location after becoming “stressed and depressed” over the internet-fueled hatred.

“Kermit is a genuine and good-hearted frog, and he doesn’t deserve this kind of backlash over living his life,” said Kermit supporter Jeanne Curtis, an anti-feminist blogger who uses her brain instead of her emotions when writing. “Kermit was in an abusive relationship for almost forty years with Ms. Piggy. Yes, he loved her. They had children together, at least in a Muppet Christmas Carol,  which is canon so it counts.”

“He loved her, but she abused him. Ms. Piggy is clearly a controlling bitch,” continued Curtis. “Anyone with eyes can see that. She hits people, she has hit Kermit, in public. She is loud and abrasive, and a bully. She’s piggish, if you’ll pardon the pun. She screams at poor Kermit when things don’t go her way. It’s no wonder they finally separated, and it’s no wonder Kermit found a new pig who was more kind and gentle. Only a really dumb, feminist bitch would focus on Denise’s looks, and not how much kinder and sweeter she is to poor old Kermit.”

A spokesman for Kermit says that he should be out within the next week or two, in time to film more of the new Muppets TV series.

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Surgically Sewn Shut

Woman Terrified of Being Raped Has Her Vagina Sewn Shut

BOISE, Idaho – 

A college Sophomore in Idaho has reportedly had her vagina sewn shut by a cosmetic surgeon, after she learned about rape statistics in one of her courses.

“Did you know that 1 in 3 women will be raped or sexually assaulted in her lifetime?” said college Sophomore Desiree Price, 20. “Statistically speaking, I am even more likely to be that 1 in 3, since I’m super hot and often walk along through the campus late at night on my way back from my stripper job. So I knew something had to be done.”

Price says she originally started by carrying mace in her purse, but still didn’t feel safe enough.

“I took self defense classes, bought a gun, learned to shoot – but still, nothing was making me feel safe. I knew some guy, at some point, was going to rape me. Every guy will rape if given the opportunity, that’s a fact. I learned it in my Current State of Feminism class. So, I took a drastic step.”

Price says she never wanted to have kids, so she had no reason to have an open vagina.

“I went ahead and had my ovaries and my tubes all completely removed. I no longer have a menses every month. They have built a small, tube like funnel made of skin taken from my calf, and attached it to my urethra so it sticks out, sort of like a penis I guess. I can still reach my clit so that guys who I want to touch me can touch it, or like, whatever, and I can touch it, but that’s it. If a guy tries to stick his thing in there, he’s going to be pleasantly surprised to find that there’s nowhere to stick it.”

According to Price’s mother, Victoria, she’s “very proud” of her daughter for doing what she needs to do to protect herself.

“Desiree has always been a smart girl, and knows what she wants,” said Victoria from her home in Phoenix, Arizona. “If she wants to cosmetically close her V, that’s her business. I’m just happy to know she’ll be safe from penetration from here on out.”

Price’s step-father, George Durkee, says he thinks his step-daughter is a complete and total moron.

“The dumb bitch still has another hole down there to get penetrated if some unlucky guy decides to rape her,” said Durkee. “If there’s any hole she should have had plugged, it’s that one in her face. The only thing I’m grateful for is that she can no longer breed. Amen to that!”

Feminists Rally For Change; Hope To Just Become Known As ‘Uppity Bitches’

Feminists Look For Change, Hope To Just Become Known As 'Uppity Bitches'

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

For decades, the stereotype of angry, militant women who want all men dead has been the primary association in most American minds when it comes to Feminism. The term “Feminazis” was popularized over the last couple of decades, and members of the movement did nothing to change the perception.

Leaders within the Feminist community have announced that they are finally ready to embrace change, and shed their intimidating image. Rather, they’re going to portray themselves as “uppity bitches”.

“People are scared of us, and it’s getting in the way of our agendas being met,” said local Feminazi Rudolpha Hessa. “And who can blame them – we’re fucking terrifying. We’ll take down men like they’re nothing more than walking cocks. But we’ve realized that after all this time they still run the show, and they’re the most likely route to political change. Something has to give.”

And give it will. Women will still give men shit about gender equality, but it will be administered via a less threatening medium.

“Soccer moms are indomitable, but show me a man who is scared of them,” said Women’s Rights advocate, Jessica Hemp. “They moan, whine, shout insults, gossip, and generally get whatever the fuck they want. We, as feminists, have agreed that this way is far more likely to get the results we have long sought after.”

Male politicians have nervously chuckled, bracing themselves for the onslaught.

“My wife is an uppity bitch,” said conservative senator, Rick Santorum. “When she wants to buy something and I say no, she bitches and whines until I give in and just give her my credit card and whatever cash I have. There is no way we’ll be able to maintain the perfectly reasonable wage gap that somehow still exists in the face of Feminazism. They’ve found the formula, I’m sorry to say.”

Misogynists around the country have hung their heads and kicked themselves in the balls, in commemoration of their known enemies’ tactics.

“It’s not gonna be that simple anymore. A new age is upon us.”

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