Feminists Rally For Change; Hope To Just Become Known As ‘Uppity Bitches’

Feminists Look For Change, Hope To Just Become Known As 'Uppity Bitches'

SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

For decades, the stereotype of angry, militant women who want all men dead has been the primary association in most American minds when it comes to Feminism. The term “Feminazis” was popularized over the last couple of decades, and members of the movement did nothing to change the perception.

Leaders within the Feminist community have announced that they are finally ready to embrace change, and shed their intimidating image. Rather, they’re going to portray themselves as “uppity bitches”.

“People are scared of us, and it’s getting in the way of our agendas being met,” said local Feminazi Rudolpha Hessa. “And who can blame them – we’re fucking terrifying. We’ll take down men like they’re nothing more than walking cocks. But we’ve realized that after all this time they still run the show, and they’re the most likely route to political change. Something has to give.”

And give it will. Women will still give men shit about gender equality, but it will be administered via a less threatening medium.

“Soccer moms are indomitable, but show me a man who is scared of them,” said Women’s Rights advocate, Jessica Hemp. “They moan, whine, shout insults, gossip, and generally get whatever the fuck they want. We, as feminists, have agreed that this way is far more likely to get the results we have long sought after.”

Male politicians have nervously chuckled, bracing themselves for the onslaught.

“My wife is an uppity bitch,” said conservative senator, Rick Santorum. “When she wants to buy something and I say no, she bitches and whines until I give in and just give her my credit card and whatever cash I have. There is no way we’ll be able to maintain the perfectly reasonable wage gap that somehow still exists in the face of Feminazism. They’ve found the formula, I’m sorry to say.”

Misogynists around the country have hung their heads and kicked themselves in the balls, in commemoration of their known enemies’ tactics.

“It’s not gonna be that simple anymore. A new age is upon us.”

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abusive Comments

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abuse


SUBURBIA, United States – 

In a hammer blow to the growth of soccer in the United States, the nation’s moms have reportedly decided to let go of their long-time excuse and simply meet up to gossip and scream insults at each other. The move comes amid rumors of waning interest and unrest from the kids forced to play the sport.

“I don’t hate soccer,” said Eamonn Rogers, 12. “But it’s such a drag to hear mom shouting at my coach every week, making him play me in every game while she talks to Stan’s mom about my teachers giving me bad grades.”

Stan was quick to come out in support of his friend’s comments.

“I know my mom loves shouting at people,” he told Empire News. “She’s always doing it at home. Soccer has given her the perfect excuse to do so in public, and it’s quite embarrassing to be around. I’m quite relieved that shit is over.”

Chairperson of the local Union of Soccer Moms (USM), Tracey Povich, spoke on behalf of her friends and colleagues, in telling a press conference that “this has been a long time coming. The format of the games – an hour at most, with us having to watch out for stuff to remark to our kids about – does not facilitate good gossip time. We’ve now decided that an afternoon at the park is a better way to bitch about our ‘friends’ and shout at random people walking by.”

The MLS, however, is not impressed by the news, saying it will damage the sport, possibly irreparably, tarnishing America’s status in the game among the rest of the world in the process. However, some coaches have welcomed the news, saying that “at least we’ll no longer get pissy little brats who think their parents can get them into the squad. Having to deal with entitled mothers, used to bossing coaches around, is one of the worst parts of the profession. Sometimes we just give in to them, that’s why our league is still so bad.”

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