SUBURBIA, United States –
In a hammer blow to the growth of soccer in the United States, the nation’s moms have reportedly decided to let go of their long-time excuse and simply meet up to gossip and scream insults at each other. The move comes amid rumors of waning interest and unrest from the kids forced to play the sport.
“I don’t hate soccer,” said Eamonn Rogers, 12. “But it’s such a drag to hear mom shouting at my coach every week, making him play me in every game while she talks to Stan’s mom about my teachers giving me bad grades.”
Stan was quick to come out in support of his friend’s comments.
“I know my mom loves shouting at people,” he told Empire News. “She’s always doing it at home. Soccer has given her the perfect excuse to do so in public, and it’s quite embarrassing to be around. I’m quite relieved that shit is over.”
Chairperson of the local Union of Soccer Moms (USM), Tracey Povich, spoke on behalf of her friends and colleagues, in telling a press conference that “this has been a long time coming. The format of the games – an hour at most, with us having to watch out for stuff to remark to our kids about – does not facilitate good gossip time. We’ve now decided that an afternoon at the park is a better way to bitch about our ‘friends’ and shout at random people walking by.”
The MLS, however, is not impressed by the news, saying it will damage the sport, possibly irreparably, tarnishing America’s status in the game among the rest of the world in the process. However, some coaches have welcomed the news, saying that “at least we’ll no longer get pissy little brats who think their parents can get them into the squad. Having to deal with entitled mothers, used to bossing coaches around, is one of the worst parts of the profession. Sometimes we just give in to them, that’s why our league is still so bad.”