Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV


SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

Police Arrest Bill Cosby Before Public Forgets To Hate Him


PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

Bill Cosby was finally arrested, just days before the public forgot why they were supposed to hate him, for aggravated sexual assault. According to reports, Cosby admitted to drugging a woman almost a decade ago, using quaaludes.

“We went and grabbed him earlier today,” said police officer Joe Goldsmith. “He went pretty easily. We were prepared for anything really. I mean, he’s a celebrity, so normally we’d treat him with kid gloves, but at the same time, he’s also black, and an accused rapist, so really, we had to take it seriously.”

Cosby’s lawyers will probably argue that he is innocent, despite the fact that Cosby has, in the past, readily admitted in court that he was guilty of drugging and assaulting at least one woman.

No statement directly from Cosby, but spectators at the police station did say that he looked very haggard and old, but managed, somehow, to keep his penis in his pants.

“I was pretty scared he might drop something into my drink, even though I wasn’t drinking anything and was standing over 50 yards away,” said Merle Jones, who was at the Philadelphia police station when Cosby was brought in. “You can never be too careful with these rapist celebrities.”



Tumblr Announces Intentions To Delete Accounts Of Feminists, Feminist Supporters


ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Tumblr, the world’s 4th most popular social media website, is a place where users can repost other people’s pictures and gif images over and over again, while never actually creating any original content. Designed initially as a new style of blog or journal, Tumblr has lately become a haven for the feminist movement, wherein “every single bitch out there thinks she matters.”

“It’s too true, and it’s too sad,” said Tumblr founder Tom Tumble. “I just wanted people to share some funny pictures and write journal entries. Kind of like Livejournal, except relevant. Instead, all I get are nasty, bitchy feminists making posts about how ‘every man is a rapist’ and using stupid, made-up, asshole words like ‘manspreading’ and ‘mansplaining.’ It’s disheartening.”

Tumble says that he has decided to delete accounts of “known feminists,” and also to warn those who use any hashtag related to the movement of feminism.

“I am not against women being empowered. Many of the people on staff at Tumblr are bright, intelligent women,” said Tumble. “Feminism is something that was needed when women couldn’t vote, or couldn’t marry another woman, or couldn’t marry a man because he was black. All those things, all those rights, are here now. Women should fight for what they want, but what these women on Tumblr want, apparently, is to just be flaming twats.”

Several major feminist users on Tumblr were reached out to for comment, but most of them said they were too busy shopping for thick-rimmed glasses or shaving one side of their head to talk. All of them also said that, as a man, I should stop raping them with my emails.

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