Young Boy In Critical Condition After Apple AirPods Explode In His Ears

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MIAMI, Florida – 

A young boy in Florida has being hospitalized after his brand new Apple AirPod earphones allegedly exploded in his ear.

Caleb Mitchell, 8, has been hospitalized with 2nd degree burns on his face and inside of his ears after his Airpods exploded. According to Mitchell’s parents, the young boy is lucky to be alive, but is not out of the woods yet.

“I can’t believe something like this could happen,” said Josiah Mitchell, a standup comedian and the boy’s father. “I didn’t think they could get hot or explode or anything like that. Yet hear we are. Get it? Hear? Because Caleb is pretty much deaf now. Oh shit, I crack myself up.”

Caleb supposedly always had his Airpods in his ear, other than the times where he was charging them. He would even sleep with them, and wear them even when not listening to music. “Airpod owners are obsessed” says Candice James, a therapist, “Airpod owners really think they’re hot shit because their headphones don’t have wires. Wow, you’re so cool. Fucking losers. I just feel bad for the boy here because his parents indoctrinated him into wanting these in the first place.”

As Caleb is recovering, technology experts warn Airpod owners to not use them so much.

“Just throw them out,”  said tech expert Lee Xiu, “You’ll be a better person, Airpod owners are annoying.”

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

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LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

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This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

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