United Airlines To Give Free Flights To Anyone Upset By Their ‘Violent’ Removal of Doctor From Plane

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.

“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”

United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.

“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”

Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

ST. PAUL, Minnesota – Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom22

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight.  Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

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“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.

 

 

TSA Bans Eyeglasses, Contacts From Airplanes

ARLINGTON, Virginia – empire-news-tsa-bans-glasses-contacts-from-all-flights

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.

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