Google Reveals New X-Ray Glasses At San Francisco Gadget Expo

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

The 2014 Gadget Expo is a regular ‘Nerd Nirvana,’ with all the latest gadgets and gizmos on display for people to check out, try out, and plan their 2015 tech purchases. Many new products created plenty of excitement such as Apple’s iWatch and Alienware’s 3D laptop. But the one product that stole the show was Google’s new X-Ray glasses, which the company is already planning for a 2015 release.

“We all remember the ads in the back of comics. You could get sea monkeys or paper dolls. But the most popular ad was for X-Ray glasses. Of course, those glasses were a disappointment when they came in the mail, but it created a dream in the minds of a generation,” said Larry Page, Google CEO. “Now, some of those disappointed boys are the smartest engineers in the world, and they work here at Google. Ladies and gentlemen, those same young honor society nerds that dreamed of seeing through girls clothes have done it, and we now have real X-Ray glasses! Pending some safety issues, Google X-Googles will be available next year!”

“It’s true, the X-Ray glasses work perfectly, and with different settings, you can see through garments, skin and bones, and even walls,” said Product manager Harold Harris. “We see this as a great development that will no doubt have untold advantages in the fields of medicine and law enforcement. The safety tweaks are happening now, as the one Mr. Page spoke of is actually quite serious. Currently, the X-Ray glasses have a 100% brain tumor rate on wearers. Unfortunately, the threat of brain tumors is not stopping the engineers on the project from wearing the glasses to spy on female employees. I guess for them seeing a girl naked is worth a brain tumor. At the rate engineers are dropping out for sickness or straight-up dropping dead, the tweaks may take a little longer to fix than expected.”

Despite possible setbacks in health-related risks and fatalities by wearers, Google still plans to release the new X-ray glasses as soon as possible. “We know that Google Glass was just the beginning for what we’re calling or Google Spectacles Division,” said Page. “All those people out there wearing our current product will certainly be interested in our new Google X-Googles. We can’t wait for them to all go from becoming Glassholes to Raytards.”

ARLINGTON, Virginia –

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.