TSA Bans Eyeglasses, Contacts From Airplanes

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ARLINGTON, Virginia – empire-news-tsa-bans-glasses-contacts-from-all-flights

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

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The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.

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