Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

QUEENS, New York –

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude. Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic. It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off. I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’ The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down. She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head. My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine. “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face! I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground. Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said. “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press. Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP). “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital. “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus. The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face. If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight. Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.