Woman In Kansas Becomes Last In Country To Use Dial-Up Internet Service

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ROGERS, Kansas –

Maryanne Richards is not new to the world wide web. In fact, she’s had a computer with internet access in her home since December of 1998, when her brother gave her his old Dell for Christmas and signed her up for NetZero, an internet service provider who used to offer free dial-up internet service to its customers.

The thing about Richards, though, is that since 1998 she has been using that same Dell laptop and her same free NetZero dial-up subscription. While everyone else has upgraded to high-speed internet through cable or telephone providers, Ms. Richards says she has no reason to “speed through the web.”

“I’ve never been a woman who needed to get where she was going lightning fast. I am too old now, especially, and too set in my ways to worry about upgrading and fast speed interwebs and the ePads and the smartyphones, and all that nonsense.”

Richards was recently contacted by NetZero, who long ago switched to offering DSL based broadband internet, to let her know she was the last person on their network still using the antiquated dial-up system.

“They contact me every month or so, asking me to get into their new packages. I don’t wanna any of it. This dial-in service is all free, and I don’t mind the ads that pop up all the time. Usually they’re about pills I don’t need because I don’t need a bigger erection,” said Richards.

NetZero representatives say that are actually willing to offer to upgrade Richards to a new, faster service and keep her at the free monthly subscriber rate she’s had for the last 18 years. Plus, as a long-time customer they offered to gift her with a brand new Windows 10 laptop, but even to that Ms. Richards has passed.

“Nope, nope. Just let me be. Between you media people, the NetZero people, and my grandkids, I get enough hounding about my old technology. I don’t want to get anything new. Besides, why would they want to give me Windows number 8 when I’m already using Windows number 95?”

119-Year-Old Woman Credits Long Life To Cigarettes

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BOISE, Idaho –

Mrs. Elle Clark just turned 119 earlier this week, and she celebrated the day the same way she’s greeted every day for the last 108 years – with a cigarette.

“Oh yes, it’s the only way to really start your day and feel good,” said Clark, who has outlived all 6 of her children, as well as her 3 grandchildren. “There’s nothing better than a good unfiltered smoke, except, of course, for unfiltered prayer.”

Mrs. Clark says that she first began smoking when she was about 11 years old, after her mother left an unfinished cigarette in the ashtray.

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“I snuck it out, and smoked it, and it was the first time I felt I could actually breathe, you know?” said Mrs. Clark. “After that I was hooked.”

Clark said she was so excited about smoking, she even named her children after cigarettes and cigarette-related things.

“I had six children, God rest their souls,” said Clark. “My oldest was Philip, then came Morris. I had a daughter, Marby, and another son, Paul Mall. Then my youngest two were boys as well, Benson and Hedges. They were all happy kids growing up, they all lived well into adulthood, but none of them took up smoking, and they all died young.”

Mrs. Clark says that she is extremely thankful for her 4-pack-a-day habit, and that she doesn’t see herself slowing down on smoking any time soon.

“I’ll probably smoke until I’m dead, and even then, I want to be buried with a pack in the casket and one in my mouth,” said Clark. “It’s really a wonderful life I’ve lived.”

Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

QUEENS, New York – Flatulent Airline Passenger Forces Emergency Landing

A Cincinnati, Ohio bound Delta Airlines flight, originating from New York’s LaGuardia Airport, was forced to make an emergency landing this morning, after a ‘violent episode’ occurred moments after takeoff.

The event was officially classified as ‘environmentally hazardous and life threatening’ by an on-board federal air marshal, who filed the following incident report:

A passenger seated near the rear end of the aircraft experienced an intensely violent episode of flatulence as the plane gained altitude.  Oxygen masks were deployed and passengers throughout the cabin began to panic.  It was determined that the best course of action would be diversion of [the] flight to the nearest airfield for an emergency landing. JFK International was contacted, clearance obtained, and emergency landing took place at 10:42 a.m.

Passenger Mark Theissen, seated behind the offending passenger, provided details.

“The woman in front of me started bouncing up and down right after we took off.  I leaned forward and asked her if she was okay, and she said something about ‘her condition.’  The next thing I knew, there was this foul odor and all the masks came down.  She turned back to tell me something but her seat snapped back and slammed me in the head.  My eyes started burning and I blacked out.”

“People were jumping over their chairs to escape,” said flight attendant Becky Constantine.  “My senior attendant went back to make people calm down, but she got stomped in the face!  I hid up in the overhead ’til we hit the ground.  Delta-Schmelta, I quit!” she said.  “I’m going back to my job at Subway where it’s safe.”

The identity of the passenger was determined after the passenger manifest was released to the press.  Former showgirl Cyprienne O’Malley, 70, was fingered as the woman responsible for the unfortunate incident.

Doctors call O’Malley’s disorder Gastric Abdominal Systemic Pancolitis (GASP).  “GASP makes an already bad situation worse,” says Dr. Paul Hazelton, of New York’s Lenox Hill Hospital.  “A sudden change in air pressure causes rapid release, and the path of least resistance is always the anus.  The bunghole is Mother Nature’s little whistle-blower.”

“Many people suffer from this disorder, and to hide it is to deny it. I attend a support group called ‘Silence Is Deadly.’ It’s a place where we can all come together and air out our grievances,” said O’Malley. “This whole thing really blew up in my face.  If I could take it all back, I would. Next month I’m going to attend the GASP National Convention in Pottstown, but I’m going to take the train.”

No charges were filed against O’Malley, but the airline is asking that she compensates them for damages, and donates an undisclosed amount toward the injured flight attendant’s hospital bills.

 

Amtrak officials have been notified of O’Malley’s upcoming travel plans.

85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

THE OPEN SEA, Worldwide – 85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

An 85-year-old woman surprised everyone aboard the ship the Queen Mary bound to New York from England when she gave berth on board. The vessel’s captain, Dmitri Vasilov, said that in all his many voyages he has never seen anything like it. And that she gave berth to two youngsters defies the imagination.

“Imagine that!” said Vasilov by ship to shore telephone, “At her age to give berth to anyone, let along two young ones, that is one for the books!”

Widow Margo Frammis of Brooklyn, New York, was returning home from a visit with relatives in Wales when a young couple on their honeymoon approached her with a predicament. It seems that the ship company had given them a berth designed for a single person in their small stateroom. For the first several nights of the voyage they made do, but now they found that the accommodations were completely unsatisfactory.

The couple, identified as the new Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Hampton of Secaucus, New Jersey, asked if Mrs. Frammis would consider giving her berth to them, as the captain had told them her berth was one of the more spacious berths on board.

“I had a terrible crick in my neck,” said Mrs Hampton, “And Jerry gets these leg cramps after, well you know, he gets leg cramps at certain times…” She said, blushing slightly. Jerry chimed in, “It’s just a big mixup, but we really did try to make the best of things. Captain Dmitri suggested we speak with Mrs Frammis, but said he did not hold out too much hope because in all his years at sea, he has never seen any elderly persons give berths to someone else.”

Mrs. Frammis, a spry and lively old lady, winked at this reporter when she said, “I was young and on my honeymoon once, you know, and my heart went out to these young people. As a Christian woman, I could not have turned them down in their time of need.” Asked how she liked her new berth, Mrs. Frammis said it was just the right size for her. “I was married to my late husband for sixty-two years, but God forgive me, he was a snorer and a twitcher, all night long his body would twitch and it drove me nuts! I didn’t want this new bride to remember her honeymoon for her husband’s leg cramps. That’s no way to start a marriage!”

The Hamptons and Mrs. Frammis plan to stay in touch after their voyage, and they were effusive in their praise for her and that she gave her berth to them.

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