85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

THE OPEN SEA, Worldwide – 85-Year-Old Woman Gives Berth On Steamship

An 85-year-old woman surprised everyone aboard the ship the Queen Mary bound to New York from England when she gave berth on board. The vessel’s captain, Dmitri Vasilov, said that in all his many voyages he has never seen anything like it. And that she gave berth to two youngsters defies the imagination.

“Imagine that!” said Vasilov by ship to shore telephone, “At her age to give berth to anyone, let along two young ones, that is one for the books!”

Widow Margo Frammis of Brooklyn, New York, was returning home from a visit with relatives in Wales when a young couple on their honeymoon approached her with a predicament. It seems that the ship company had given them a berth designed for a single person in their small stateroom. For the first several nights of the voyage they made do, but now they found that the accommodations were completely unsatisfactory.

The couple, identified as the new Mr. and Mrs. Jerry Hampton of Secaucus, New Jersey, asked if Mrs. Frammis would consider giving her berth to them, as the captain had told them her berth was one of the more spacious berths on board.

“I had a terrible crick in my neck,” said Mrs Hampton, “And Jerry gets these leg cramps after, well you know, he gets leg cramps at certain times…” She said, blushing slightly. Jerry chimed in, “It’s just a big mixup, but we really did try to make the best of things. Captain Dmitri suggested we speak with Mrs Frammis, but said he did not hold out too much hope because in all his years at sea, he has never seen any elderly persons give berths to someone else.”

Mrs. Frammis, a spry and lively old lady, winked at this reporter when she said, “I was young and on my honeymoon once, you know, and my heart went out to these young people. As a Christian woman, I could not have turned them down in their time of need.” Asked how she liked her new berth, Mrs. Frammis said it was just the right size for her. “I was married to my late husband for sixty-two years, but God forgive me, he was a snorer and a twitcher, all night long his body would twitch and it drove me nuts! I didn’t want this new bride to remember her honeymoon for her husband’s leg cramps. That’s no way to start a marriage!”

The Hamptons and Mrs. Frammis plan to stay in touch after their voyage, and they were effusive in their praise for her and that she gave her berth to them.

‘Penis Monologues’ Finishes in Buffalo, Coming to Broadway in 2015

BUFFALO, New York – 'Penis Monologues' Finishes in Buffalo, Coming to Broadway in 2015

“The Penis is Coming to Broadway!” declared theater impresario Arthur Furioso, author and one of the actors who appears in the new play ‘The Penis Dialogues,’ now finishing up a successful run at Buffalo’s art-deco 3,076-seat Century Theater located at 511 Main Street. The theater, built in 1921 as a movie theater, has not seen such an outrageous and controversial performance since it was used in the 1970s as a rock music venue for the likes of Cheap Trick, Peter Gabriel and the Kinks.

“The time has come for the Penis!” continued Furioso. “’The Penis Monologues’ will turn Broadway upside down and have it begging for mercy!”

Mort Gage, an actor who will follow the play to New York City, said that coming to Broadway is a dream come true. “This is an important work and I am very proud to be a part of it.” Gage plays ‘Little Johnny’, a bawdy character whose journey begins as a child who accidentally discovers his parents making love and asks them to make puppies, referring to an earlier observation in the neighborhood of two local canines similarly engaged. During his eight minute stay on the stage he ages and eventually becomes a young man, asking his new bride a number of innocent questions culminating in a discussion of household electrical connections.

“Little Johnny is an important character in the play since he embodies the playful nature of the penis and elicits a fond reflection in the audience of their own time of innocence,” said Gage.

’The Penis Monologues’ is similar to the popular ‘Penis Puppets’ show that played worldwide some years ago. Who would have thought back then that a couple of guys from Australia would be an international sensation by flopping their junk around on stage?” said, Furioso, referring to the play ‘Puppetry of the Penis’, created by Simon Morley and puppeteer David “Friendly” Friend in Melbourne in 1998. That play toured the world and is still in existence almost 20 years later. “We are looking forward to making a big splash in New York City,” said Furioso.

Playwright Eve Ensler, creator of the 1994 play ‘The Vagina Monologues’, could not be reached for comment, but one actress who has performed in ‘Vagina,” and who asked not to be named, said she expects the ‘Penis” show to have a flaccid run and limp out of New York at the end of their session.

“The Penis Monologues” will open at NYC’s lavish 42nd Street Theater in April 2015.

New San Francisco Eatery Caca-Burger Features Eco-Friendly Sustainable Menu

SAN FRANSICO, California – New San Fran eatery serves menu of poop

San Francisco’s newest eatery boasts the ultimate in Eco-Friendly and Sustainable food sources; Caca-Burger is the first venue in the Bay Area to utilize only the finest recycled fecal matter in its culinary creations. Some food critics, while publicly applauding the innovative approach to cuisine, have said privately they have serious concerns that this will spawn a host of less savory knock offs.

“I’m surprised this was never tried before,” said Caca-Burger owner and head chef Robert Mierda as we relaxed over cups of steaming Asian Palm Civit coffee. “For instance,’ he said, pointing to our coffee cups, “this coffee comes from beans ingested and defecated by a tiny animal in Southeast Asia. Delicious, right? And almost a hundred bucks a pound!”

But is the public ready for a feces-based menu? “Not for everyone, and not as an everyday thing,” answered Mierda, “But our ambiance is ideal for an unusual date night. We also have a special Breakup Menu for Two that will enable someone to breakup with their significant other more easily, especially if the other is at all picky about food. Imagine the fun when they suddenly and dramatically discover that their dietary preferences are incompatible. Our servers refer to the Breakup Menu as ‘The S— Hits the Fan,’ but it does not appear that way on the menu.”

“It’s not so strange, really,” continued Mierda. “Americans have dined on cooked feces for many years. Take shrimp, for instance. Ever wonder what that dark strip on the back of shrimp is, the thing they call the sand vein? It’s the intestinal tract of the shrimp. Yeah, that’s right! And don’t even get me started on sausages! The animals we use are carefully selected for health and fed a balanced feed of grains and fruit only. Our veterinarian examines each animal once a week and should one become ill and require anti-biotics, they are immediately removed from the fecal food chain. Diners need never worry that they will be subjected to anti-biotics and other potentially harmful substances the way they are at too many restaurants in the Bay area.”

Some of the menu items sound tempting, with names like ‘Caca-Burger Supreme with Portobello Mushrooms and Truffle Mayo,’ ‘Flop a l’orange,’ and the extremely straightforward  ‘Poop Poop Poop Pudding.’

Reached at the Bay Area Public Health Division, Registered Nurse Jackie Dickson explained the Division’s landmark decision to license the unusual eatery. “It’s really a matter of cultural diversity,” she said. “Each of these menu items has some cultural or historic correlation and Mister Mierda has carefully documented each occurrence. Under Bay Area statutes regarding cultural diversity, our hands are tied. And of course, the food production is routinely inspected by a veterinarian.”

“I guess it’s not that unusual,” she continued. “Do you know about shrimp and that coffee they pass through the cats? People have been doing that for years.”

An informant at the FDA advised us that the agency has taken an interest in the eatery, but they are proceeding with caution. “All this administration needs is a s—storm over something like this, if you’ll pardon the pun. Everyone in the administration is on notice that cultural diversity rules the day and no one wants to get in front of that.”

Caca-Burger is located on Zeitgeist Street in the Mission District. Hours are Noon to 9PM Monday through Saturday. Major credit cards are accepted.

Pentagon Replacing Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Pentagon Replaces Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

General Martin Dempsey, the nation’s top military officer, stunned reporters today with the announcement that beginning immediately, the use of military boots, often inaccurately called ‘combat boots’, will be phased out. Beginning next week, new recruits at all armed forces boot camps across the country will be issued athletic shoes and other footwear of varying types.

“Two hundred years of military tradition has been cast aside to clarify the new twenty first century missions of each branch of the Armed Forces,” Dempsey told the standing room only conference room. “The presence of military units in this country has been described for decades with the wholly inaccurate phrase ‘boots on the ground.’  But that ends now.”

Dempsey explained that it is time for the military to acknowledge the different roles played by its members. “For instance, there is no necessity for soldiers in clerical roles to wear heavy military boots while working on a computer in an office. Therefore, even though those troops might be in-country, to say they are part of the ‘boots on the ground’ in any campaign would be erroneous.”

White House officials rejected that this move was in response to the President’s promise not to put ‘boots on the ground’ in Iraq and Syria. Reached aboard Air Force One en route to Atlanta this afternoon, Press Secretary Josh Earnest reiterated General Dempsey’s earlier statements regarding the changes in military footwear.

“These are modern times, and modern times call for modern footwear. The standard GI military boot was designed for combat in the second World War and Korea. I think you will agree that the world is very different now than it was in the 1940’s and 1950’s.”

Asked if it would now be accurate to use the phrase ‘footwear on the ground’ in any future military actions, Earnest promised he will have an answer later today for the Press Corps, but they were about to land and he needed to be sure his seat back was in the full upright position.

A press briefing packet issued by the Pentagon shows that active duty Air Force personnel will be issued Nike Air Jordans and wingtips, depending upon rank, active duty Navy personnel will be issued Dockers, Army will be issued New Balance hiking Shoes, and the Marine Corps and other elite units can choose shoes at their discretion, so long as they cannot be mistaken for a boot of any kind.

In a similar development, Secretary of State John Kerry said from Paris, where he is meeting with foreign leaders, that the official footwear of the State Department going forward will be flip-flops. No explanation was given for this decision.

Iowa Farmer Breeds Three Legged Chickens; KFC Plans ‘3 Drumstick Meals’

ACKLEY, Iowa – Iowa Farmer Breeds Three Legged Chickens; KFC Plans '3 Drumstick Meals'

Iowa farmer Warren Milledge has a lot to be proud of lately. He has a new grand-daughter, was recognized by the local Grange for 40 years of service, and as a lifelong chicken farmer, he has been the first person to successfully bred a three-legged chicken.

“I’m naturally most proud of our new grand baby, Sunny Ann Milledge,”  said in an interview on his Marshalltown Pike farmstead. “Eight pounds, seven ounces and giggles and gurgles all day long. Gosh, we love that baby! “But those three-legger hens are surely an amazing miracle.”

Milledge, a 1977 graduate of the University of Iowa Cedar Rapids Agriculture program, explained how he came up with the idea a three legged chicken in the first place. “You see, it was when there were just the three of us, this was before our son Benjamin was married. I love a drumstick, Ben loves a drumstick, and mother loves a drumstick, but as you know a chicken only has two legs so only two drumsticks. That meant roasting two chickens each time so there were enough drumsticks.”

Milledge says that at first, it was just a joke around the house that they should try to somehow breed a three-legged chicken. Then after joking about it for several months, it started to become less of a joke, and more of an intriguing possibility.

“One day a Divine Providence visited this humble Iowa farm,” said Milledge. “A chick was born with two normal legs and a smaller, non-functioning leg that sort of twitched a bit. You’ve probably seen pictures of two-headed snakes or two-headed cows and sheep and whatnot. Well, this was along those lines.”

“Normally those freak animals don’t survive birth, but this little chicken, we eventually found out he was a rooster, was very lively so I chose him for breeding and after a few peeps, which is what we call bunches of newborn chicks for you city fellers, we got two more chicks with those little legs. So we started breeding those two with the rooster and eventually achieved chicks with fully functional third legs. There was a short piece in Iowa Farmer’s Digest and that’s when KFC got involved.”

Purvis Jones, a spokesperson for KFC, confirmed that the fast food company has taken a keen interest in the three-legged chickens, and have approached Milledge with the idea of being one of their key breeders.

“The long range plan for us is to offer meals with three drumsticks, but that is a few years away. Right now, we are working with Mr. Milledge to breed a solid base of three-legged chickens for production. He has about two hundred chickens now, but we need to see flocks in the many thousands before the three-leggers are commercially viable for us.  Right now, three-legged chick births are only running about 60% and we’d like to see some improvement in those numbers. Plus, there’s the other problem,” Said Jones, deferring to the Milledge Farm for further comment.

“Yep, that’s true,” said Milledge, with a slight laugh. “The problem, well…we have a big problem with the three-leggers. You see, we don’t yet know how these chickens taste because, well, do you have any idea how fast a three-legged chicken can run? Well, it’s pretty fast, I’ll tell you fer darn sure. We haven’t caught one yet.”

Once Milledge is finally able to catch and sample the chicken meat, KFC will request samples for their future meal plans.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary Drops The Word Gullible From 2015 Edition

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Merriam-Webster Dictionary Drops The Word Gullible From 2015 Edition

Each year, the Merriam-Webster International Dictionary research teams carefully review new words that have been introduced to the American language in the previous year for the next edition of their highly regarded reference text, as well as following shifting meanings in old words. This year, several cultural shifts have caused some surprises.
“It is highly unusual for us to remove a word from future editions, but we are doing so for the 2015 edition,” said Merriam-Webster spokesperson Constance Reader. “To be sure, there are obsolete words that have remained, for instance widdershins, meaning to turn counter-clockwise, that lost its purpose centuries ago when reliable timepieces were invented. Another word that has gone out of use is cockalorum, meaning a little man with a high opinion of himself. And of course, there is the schoolboy jape, ‘Ain’t ain’t in the dictionary’, but of course it is in most modern dictionaries of the English and American language.”

“For an obsolete word to be expunged entirely, there must be sufficient reason,” she continued, “and in the case of one word in particular there is more than ample evidence of its impractical nature and,” she said, lowering her voice, “even evidence of the danger of the use of this word. Therefore, Merriam-Webster International will remove the word gullible from all future editions of our dictionary beginning with the 2015 printing.”

Reader explained that it was the consensus of the 2015 Edition Committee members that gullible be dropped to avoid any further misuses of the word such as those reported to the committee.

“Gullible’” Reader explained, “has a troubled history as an adjective due to the radical shifts of meaning of both the root word and its synonyms. The definitions of synonyms such as credulous, naive, overtrusting, overtrustful, easily deceived, easily taken in, exploitable, dupable, impressionable, unsuspecting, unsuspicious, unwary, ingenuous, innocent, inexperienced, unworldly, green, have all shifted in the past several years. In fact, there is an unconfirmed report of one new meaning for gullible is ‘capable of being gulled, as in the sentence ‘This beach is devoid of all wild fowl making it quite gullible.'”

“All of this has made the meaning of gullible completely unclear, rendering it unsuitable for personal, business and diplomatic communications. In today’s highly volatile world, you can imagine what may occur if gullible were to be used as a synonym of innocent, but was mistaken to mean capable of being gulled.”

Reader went on to say that a brand new word has been coined for 2015 by the committee in response to a the need for a word that would mean ‘appropriation or theft for publication of another person’s work’. The brand new word for 2015 is ‘plagiarism’.
“We believe that ‘plagiarism’ will quickly be adopted by English speakers in much the same way that Dublin theatre owner Richard Daly’s word ‘quiz’ was readily accepted by the public in 1791.”

Otis Brands Elevator Company Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey – Otis Elevator Brands Knocks Out Ray Rice Endorsement Deal

Following release by TMZ this week of a video showing NFL player Ray Rice knocking out his then-fiancee in an Atlantic City hotel elevator, Otis Elevator, manufacturer of most of the world’s elevators, has decided to let Rice go as celebrity Spokesperson for its new ad campaign, “An Uplifting Story”.  The lucrative endorsement deal was said to have totaled in the many hundreds of dollars, and persons close to the disgraced football star say he is floored by the decision.

Otis public relations officer, Carl Winters, said it was a difficult action to take, but necessary.  “Mister Rice’s endorsement had been very good for the elevator business, Otis in particular,” Winters told us by phone from his College Park, Maryland office. “Overall elevator ridership was up 3% over fiscal year 2013, and focus groups easily identified Otis Elevator as the ‘Ray Rice elevator company.” 

Winters said they had been looking forward to many years of association with Mr Rice and “as his career grew, we hoped to see our profits hit new heights, no pun intended.  But we cannot, in good conscience, have anyone associated with our brand who treats other riders so disrespectfully.  It bursts the bubble of the public’s fascination with elevator transportation, and overnight polls already show a drop off in ridership and an increase use of stairs and escalators across the country.”

An industry insider told Empire that by 6 AM the day following the video release, work crews had fanned out across the major US cities to remove Mr Rice’s likeness from billboards and buses advertising the Otis Elevator brand, but noted sadly that this gives the entire elevator transportation industry a black eye.

Junior Semples, President of the International Elevator Operators and Riders Consortium, told us that this will not deal a death blow to the industry, but it is already having a negative impact that will take some time to heal. 

“I have heard complaints from parents all morning with fears their children may be subjected to these so-called ‘Knockout game-style punches’ if they ride an elevator,” he said.  “I don’t know what to tell them except they should always be very careful when traveling by elevator, and whenever possible an adult should accompany children in a no more than five-to-one ratio.”

“Persons riding on an elevator should not have to fear for their safety,” said Semples.  “This incident brings up a lot of troubling questions, for instance, was Ray Rice ever given proper training in elevator etiquette and safety?  Should we allow NFL players to travel by elevator at all?  Why doesn’t the NFL require players to wear a name tag that clearly identifies them as an NFL player so persons entering an elevator can decide for themselves whether they want to risk traveling with them?  That is, at least, until all NFL players are re-educated on proper elevator transportation protocols.”

Screen Shot 2014-09-10 at 1.39.35 PM
In this image from captured security footage, we can clearly see the need for this hotel to upgrade to cameras made post-1993.

In his weekly Saturday morning address, President Obama is expected to talk about the Federal government’s response to the elevator tragedy.  Sources on Capitol Hill have hinted that the President is planning to take executive action by assigning a highly trained guard to travel in elevators nationwide on a random basis, much the same way that Air Marshals have increased their presence in airplanes as more and more attempted attacks take place.  There is a possibility that the White House will utilize Homeland Security Border Patrol agents not currently engaged in babysitting the hundreds of thousands of undocumented children who crossed the border this year for their new ‘elevator watch.’

“It’s like 1972 all over again,” Semples said, referring to the release year for the motion picture The Godfather, which showed fictional mobster Victor Stracci being gunned down in an elevator.  “Ridership plummeted after that damn movie came out, especially in parts of the country with large Italian-American populations. Took years for the industry to rebound, just like the big hit the bathroom shower industry took in 1960 after Janet Leigh was hacked to death in a shower at the Bates Motel.  I just hope this Ray Rice incident won’t cause the same slump, because in this economy that could mean a loss of jobs.”

Mr Rice could not be reached for comment.

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