Nike Admits To Making Some Shoes From Skin of Elephants

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nike

GROVER, Kansas –

After a boycott hashtag surfaced last month over Nike making their sneakers using the skin of elephants, the company stayed very mum on the subject, and made no public comment on the viral images and memes. Today, though, the massive shoe empire came forward, and admitted that they had been using the hide of many animals, including elephants, to make their shoes.

“We are extremely sorry that we did not make this known to our customers when they purchased our shoes, but we are, to be honest, embarrassed about it,” said a statement. “We began making Nike shoes in a different time, and it wasn’t as looked down upon to make our shoes from the skin of animals, even endangered ones. Once things took off, though, there was no stopping.”

Nike says that they have used elephant, lion, cat, snake, and even giraffe skin in their shoes over the years, and that they had never been able to find a suitable faux substitute that would also be able to hold up in the same way their shoes could.

“Animal hides are rough, rugged, and tough, and they keep our shoes lasting, while also allowing us to charge a premium for the shoes,” said the company in the same statement. “We are currently developing new materials that we can make the shoes out of, while still maintaining the same quality our customers have come to know.”

Gwen Stefani To Give Up Sex In Exchange For Shoes

gwen

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

After finding incrementing text messages between Blake Sheldon and his ex, Miranda Lambert, Gwen Stefani says she is done with men. She recently tweeted to fans, “Shoes are so much better than sex.”

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She later tweeted that she had gotten a steal on some gold Giuseppe Zanotti sneakers with vibrating soles. Although some say she is just using shoes as a distraction to forget her heartbreak, her shoe fetish may have, in fact, negatively affected her relationship to begin with.

Stefani’s now ex-boyfriend, Shelden, has told Source Magazine that Gwen’s shoe fetish was something that always came between them. “Hey – nothing was going on between me and Miranda, but I may have asked her for some advice. Gwen would demand we have sex in her shoe closet. It was uncomfortable! Or she’d stop riding me to change shoes. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes when she got off. She’d stare at her Busemis. It was tragically bad. I should have know that I’d end up her ex-boyfriend.”

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

converse

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.

You Can Now Pay A Company To Turn Feet Of Dead Relative Into Shoes

feet shoe

PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A new startup company in – where else? – Portland, Oregon, has designed a way to turn the feet of a dead relative into a pair of shoes.

“You may be asking yourself, ‘why the hell would I ever want this?’, but the answer is simple – you loved your family member, and these are their feet, so commemorate their life by wearing their soles,” said Dana Friendly, the owner and originator of Friendly Feet, LLC.

Friendly says that many companies have begun to use a departed love one’s body in fancy new ways, including having their ashes formed into diamonds and jewels, into records, or being potted into a tree to be planted. This is the first company, though, that uses pieces of a family member’s body to transform it into something else.

“We can take your dead family member’s feet, and turn them into an extremely stylish, custom pair of shoes,” said Friendly. “They have to be custom, because we have to stretch, or shrink, the skin of their feet to form-fit to your foot. Then we reenforce their dead skin with rubber and other shoe materials, and in the end, you get a gorgeous pair of shoes.”

Friendly says that as his business grows, he plans on using other body parts, including making gloves out of hands, and hats from the skin and hair on the top of a family member’s head.

Pentagon Replacing Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Pentagon Replaces Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

General Martin Dempsey, the nation’s top military officer, stunned reporters today with the announcement that beginning immediately, the use of military boots, often inaccurately called ‘combat boots’, will be phased out. Beginning next week, new recruits at all armed forces boot camps across the country will be issued athletic shoes and other footwear of varying types.

“Two hundred years of military tradition has been cast aside to clarify the new twenty first century missions of each branch of the Armed Forces,” Dempsey told the standing room only conference room. “The presence of military units in this country has been described for decades with the wholly inaccurate phrase ‘boots on the ground.’  But that ends now.”

Dempsey explained that it is time for the military to acknowledge the different roles played by its members. “For instance, there is no necessity for soldiers in clerical roles to wear heavy military boots while working on a computer in an office. Therefore, even though those troops might be in-country, to say they are part of the ‘boots on the ground’ in any campaign would be erroneous.”

White House officials rejected that this move was in response to the President’s promise not to put ‘boots on the ground’ in Iraq and Syria. Reached aboard Air Force One en route to Atlanta this afternoon, Press Secretary Josh Earnest reiterated General Dempsey’s earlier statements regarding the changes in military footwear.

“These are modern times, and modern times call for modern footwear. The standard GI military boot was designed for combat in the second World War and Korea. I think you will agree that the world is very different now than it was in the 1940’s and 1950’s.”

Asked if it would now be accurate to use the phrase ‘footwear on the ground’ in any future military actions, Earnest promised he will have an answer later today for the Press Corps, but they were about to land and he needed to be sure his seat back was in the full upright position.

A press briefing packet issued by the Pentagon shows that active duty Air Force personnel will be issued Nike Air Jordans and wingtips, depending upon rank, active duty Navy personnel will be issued Dockers, Army will be issued New Balance hiking Shoes, and the Marine Corps and other elite units can choose shoes at their discretion, so long as they cannot be mistaken for a boot of any kind.

In a similar development, Secretary of State John Kerry said from Paris, where he is meeting with foreign leaders, that the official footwear of the State Department going forward will be flip-flops. No explanation was given for this decision.

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