You Can Now Pay A Company To Turn Feet Of Dead Relative Into Shoes

feet shoe

PORTLAND, Oregon – 

A new startup company in – where else? – Portland, Oregon, has designed a way to turn the feet of a dead relative into a pair of shoes.

“You may be asking yourself, ‘why the hell would I ever want this?’, but the answer is simple – you loved your family member, and these are their feet, so commemorate their life by wearing their soles,” said Dana Friendly, the owner and originator of Friendly Feet, LLC.

Friendly says that many companies have begun to use a departed love one’s body in fancy new ways, including having their ashes formed into diamonds and jewels, into records, or being potted into a tree to be planted. This is the first company, though, that uses pieces of a family member’s body to transform it into something else.

“We can take your dead family member’s feet, and turn them into an extremely stylish, custom pair of shoes,” said Friendly. “They have to be custom, because we have to stretch, or shrink, the skin of their feet to form-fit to your foot. Then we reenforce their dead skin with rubber and other shoe materials, and in the end, you get a gorgeous pair of shoes.”

Friendly says that as his business grows, he plans on using other body parts, including making gloves out of hands, and hats from the skin and hair on the top of a family member’s head.

Police Finding Suitcases Filled With Body Parts All Over San Francisco

Police Finding Suitcases Filled With Body Parts All Over San Francisco


SAN FRANCISCO, California – 

Police in San Francisco and surrounding cities are reporting gruesome findings of dismembered body parts left in suitcases in public places. The discoveries have been ongoing since a man was arrested in the Californian city for the very particular crime, sparking fears that this is the start of a wave of copycat murders.

“It’s terrifying to what lengths these people are willing to go,” said chief investigator, Michael Hereford. “Some of these body parts are decades old, have been dismembered for as long, and seemingly the perpetrators have all been waiting for a cue to leave them out in the public.”

After information emerged that all but the original incident had occurred in or around colleges and universities throughout the city, student group “Protesting for [Insert Cause Here!]” took on the mantle of rooting out the scourge that had shocked the nation.

“If we let this happen in our colleges, it will spread to the streets,” one member announced. “We plan on putting a stop to any more suitcases being left around here with bodies in them. It’s just messy. We aim to have as much, if not more, success with this campaign as we did with our last, against fluoride in our drinking water. Man, with that one, we even got a petition together and everything. Ah, the glory days.”

Further details have not been released to the public by police, but inside sources say that detectives are “at a loss” for who could possibly be cutting up so many bodies.

“It’s like, first of all – who has that many suitcases just laying around,” said Detective Joe Goldsmith of the SFPD. “Secondly, why leave them all over the city? Why not just throw all the bodies in a big pile somewhere? For God sake, you’re really making us work on this one. We’re not used to doing this much police work here.”

One individual not surprised about the lack of information is Golden Gate University student, Sophomore Lesley Thurgood.

“It’s those med students, I’m sure of it. They’re total sadists. I’ve seen them cutting up rats, and even cute little frogs, just for the fun of it. It was only a matter of time till they moved on to other humans. Sickos! Pure sickos!”

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