Scientists Confirm Link Between Chemtrails and Autism

Posted on March 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard Community College have been working tirelessly over the last decade in a search for a link between Autism and any other outside source. Today, they’ve released information that they say conclusively links Autism with chemtrails.

“To think that Autism is caused by vaccines is ridiculous and preposterous,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Vaccines are necessary and important. What is not necessary is chemtrails. Those whispy bits of clouds you see left in the sky after a plane goes by, or those billowing clouds during a new morning sky – those are the things that could very well be giving your child Autism.”

Dr. Brown says that children who are exposed to the hazards of being outside too young can easily “contract” Autism.

“If the hospital is wanting you to take your new baby home, and you look out and see chemtrails, do not take that baby outside. Wait it out, it’s very important,” said Dr. Brown. “A baby exposed to chemtrails is over 0.099873% more likely to end up having Autism than a baby who lives inside, all the time, in a plastic bubble or incubator.”

Dr. Brown says his “startling” finds and study conclusions will be published in his “home medical journal” this month.

New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

Man Forces Plane to Land After Refusing To Use The Onboard Bathroom

Posted on September 10, 2014 by JP

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

A plane that was traveling to LAX Airport in California from Minnesota was forced to make an abrupt landing after a passenger became extremely hostile during the flight. Crew members on the plane tried to resolve the issue while the flight was taking course, but after the passenger continued to throw a temper tantrum, the captain decided that for the safety of the passengers, he would make an unscheduled landing.

The reasoning behind the hostility and frustration was Matthew Flynn, 35, and his ‘bathroom phobia.’ Flynn claimed he was afraid to use a toilet while in the sky, but that a poor choice in his pre-flight meal caused his stomach issues.

“I ate a lot of humus and drank a lot of coffee before the flight,” said Flynn. “Looking back on this decision, I thought I would be able to wait to relive myself at my hotel in California. When we got in the air and my stomach started grumbling, I knew I really only had two options – either go in my pants, or make a scene so badly they would have to stop the flight.”

The second option worked for Flynn, as the plane made an unscheduled landing in Provo, Utah. Unfortunately, as regulations have tightened on flights over the years, Flynn was arrested as soon as the plane hit the ground.

Flynn was charged with a number of different accounts, but to add salt to the wound, he picked up another charge while police were putting him into custody. Flynn was charged with public indecency after defecating himself and removing his pants.

“I tried to beg for them to let me use the bathroom, but they didn’t listen,” said Flynn. “Next time, I’ll skip the meal and try and hold it. I’ve flown several times before this, and never had a problem.”

“We all hate pooping in public places, that’s a given,” said arresting officer Joe Goldsmith of the TSA. “This, though, is a little ridiculous. When you gotta go, you just go, you know? Mr. Flynn is something extra, special, that’s for sure.”

The remaining passengers on Flynn’s flight were stuck on the tarmac for an extra 45 minutes before the flight was cleared to continue.