Several States Look To Outlaw Passengers In Vehicles To Avoid Driver Distractions

Several States Look To Outlaw Passengers In Vehicles To Avoid Driver Distractions

BOISE, Idaho – 

Representatives in congress for the states of Idaho, Mississippi, and Georgia are looking into legislation that would outlaw any vehicle operator having passengers with them. The states say that after cracking down on cell phones and texting while driving, this was the next logical step.

“We have seen the rate of car accidents and deaths reduced drastically since we implemented laws that would force drivers to stop using their cell phones while behind the wheel,” said Idaho state representative Joel Madden-[R]. “We plan to initiate new laws that would make it an offense to be riding in the vehicle while it is in motion. Under new regulations, no vehicle would be allowed to be on roadways with more than one person in them.”

Many state voters in Idaho say that the law is “outrageous,” and will never pass.

“It doesn’t make sense. I can text and drive no problem, I can eat and drive no problem – hell, I can put on makeup while I’m driving, and I’m totally fine,” said Miranda Jewel, 17, of Boise. “This new law will really put a damper on my Friday nights. If I can’t go driving with my boyfriend, then how are we going to drive into the woods together to have sex in the back of his pickup truck? Laws are stupid.”

Most members of congress say that it’s not about putting a damper on freedoms, it’s about making sure everyone is safe.

“Once we have a handle on these horrible in-car conversations, which have caused countless accidents over the years, we will move on to other regulations, including disallowing the sale of any vehicle with a radio, and also forcing car manufacturers to remove cup holders from cars sold in our states – drinking or eating and driving also kills,” said Madden. “We want everyone to be safe, and make it to their destination without veering into a telephone pole or another car.”

State representatives are scheduled to vote on the new regulations May 1st.

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff

California Man Dies After GPS Directs Him Off Cliff


ANAHEIM, California –

Investigators are still looking into a car accident that happened Tuesday evening, but initial reports say police believe that the crash could have been avoided if it wasn’t for a faulty GPS navigation system. Carl Povaromo, age 34, died Tuesday after driving his car off a cliff in Anaheim.

Weather in the city being perfect and clear, the fact that there were no brake marks in the road, and no alcohol or drugs found in Povaromo’s system, the accident was first declared a suicide.  It wasn’t until police found a GPS system in the car that they realized the cause was due to negligence behind the wheel.

“We were able to use the navigation system to re-trace the route of Mr. Povaromo,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “The route that he had been traveling before the crash was right along the edge of a very high cliff, and the GPS had told him to ‘turn right,’ and unfortunately Mr. Povaromo took the instructions literally, immediately turning right, and driving off into the ravine.”

Police are unsure at the moment if the GPS had a glitch in its system, or if the road packet in the unit had never been updated. Either way, police on the scene told Empire News that they often have people use their GPS as an excuse to get out of tickets for traveling on dangerous, unfinished roads, or the wrong way down one-lane or one-way roads.

“You should always pay attention to the road and not your navigation system,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, you have to be just straight staring at your GPS to go flying off a cliff to your death like a moron. People get so caught up staring at these navigation systems, it is ridiculous. They talk to you for a reason, and you never should take your eyes off the road.”

The company that distributes the GPS, called Let’s Roam! claims they have never had a problem like this before. “We test all of our systems, and update maps as often as possible. We’d like to give our deepest sympathies and condolences to the Povaromo family. We are sorry to hear that Carl has passed away, but we are very happy that he chose one of our GPS units to lead him to those pearly gates in the sky.”


Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts

Luckiest Man Alive Survives Asia Airlines Crash; Later Killed by Airline Peanuts


TAIPEI, Taiwan –

Leo Yang was among the first survivors to appear alive from the wreckage following the TransAsia crash in Taiwan 2 days ago. The 34-year-old businessman appeared, miraculously unscathed, following the incident, which made his death less than an hour later all the more tragic.

Yang had been pulled from the wreckage with little more than a scratch on him, baffling the rescuers who helped save him. He was reported as appearing respectively calm and collected during the extraction.

“When he came out, he thanked us politely and sat in our rescue raft until we took him back to shore,” one rescue worker said. “We assumed he was in a state of shock or something like that. He was almost too calm. After we brought him to shore, he leaned against a rail and pulled out a package of airline peanuts. That was the last time we saw him alive.”

According to an eyewitness, Yang had propped himself against a railing along a walkway. There he stood and attempted to open a package of peanuts for a good hour while he watched the rescue crew continue to work.

“That bag must have been hard to open. But he was calm the whole time,” said the onlooker. “News crews kept passing him by. They thought he was an onlooker because he was so calm.”

The witness then said that Yang suddenly reacted violently. “As soon as he was able to open the peanuts and began eating them, he clutched his throat and began to convulse. It wasn’t long before he collapsed. I called over the paramedics that were available, but it was too late.”

According to paramedics on the scene, Yang fell to an acute allergic reaction to whey protein.

“Some of these packaging companies use a whey powder to help preserve the flavor of peanuts in packaging. Yang apparently did not read the nutrition label on the package, likely due to being emotionally flustered. The adrenaline associated with shock from the crash likely had his body redlining, and so the reaction to the allergy was swift and intense.”

Yang is survived by his wife Patty and his three sons, Charlie, Franklin, and Linus.

25 Dead In Crazy Plane Crash In Taiwan, Footage Caught On Camera – You Won’t Believe The Cause!

Dash Cam

TAIPEI, Taiwan – 

A pilot who was flying a jet full of passengers crashed almost immediately after takeoff yesterday, with the plane landing in the middle of Taipei, narrowly missing the freeway, and crashing into offices and homes.

Taiwan airline officials, who are normally very reserved on speaking to the American press, said that they would like people to know that it was all about pilot error, and not to blame the airline.

“We want everyone to know that our airline is very safe. Always safe,” said airline spokesman Kim Ho. “We are not like Malaysia airlines. Our passengers always get to their destination safely. No crashes. Planes never go missing. This was all because the pilot fell asleep on takeoff. That’s not normal, though. Seriously, we are not Malaysia airlines. Please, please…keep flying with us.”

According to Ho, the pilot may have nodded off while trying to bring the plane into the air.

“The pilot was up too late. He likes to party! Maybe he was drinking? I don’t know. We have not found black box yet, so we can’t know. Pilot also had bad allergies, and looking at online video, maybe he just sneezed really hard, and plane went down. He just not as good at plane flying as Denzel Washington. Denzel can fly drunk and on cocaine. This pilot, he suck at flying.” said Ho. “But, don’t worry, it was not terrorist, or any sort of supernatural thing, or government shooting us down, no no. Not like Malaysia airlines. This was just pilot. He is stupid pilot, that’s all. That’s all. Most of our pilots, they not as stupid as this one. Trust us!”

The airline says that they are offering discounted flying rates over the next few months to encourage people to continue to use their airlines.

“We will give great deals now, on tickets,” said Ho. “Please, please. Fly with us still. Try us! We will get you where you want to go, and we will get you there safe. Accidents happen sometime, but this just once. We have good cookies and sodas when you fly with us. Movies too, like Dr. Dolittle and Con Air. Come, give a try. You’ll love us. We’re not Malaysia Airlines. Please fly!”


Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

HOCKENHEIM, Germany – formula one racer decapitated after crash flips car

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

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